When I'm with her I feel high, without her I feel low

JZ67SS

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Let me explain, this isn't some mushy romance thing, I literally feel low and sad when I'm not around her. We have been together for almost two years, but here is the kicker, we were engaged 6 months into our relationship. I decided she was my favorite person in the world so I asked her to stay with me and she said yes. We have a date for the wedding set for June 29th 2019 and have already put deposits down and secured a good venue. A few months ago something in my head clicked and i have been feeling super low and sluggish. I think about her and my mind is telling me that it is not going to work out, that I'm making a huge mistake that can never be fixed and I will be trapped forever. When I'm with her, all of those thoughts disappear for the most part. I don't know what to do, she has helped me though so much in our short time together, from losing my job to the death of my friend, I love her and she loves me, so why can't I be happy? Why can't I just except what is happening? I have seen a therapist about it and all he wanted to do was shove pills down my throat and let the whole thing blow over. I can't talk to family about it because they are all so happy and I don't want to disappoint anyone. I love spending time with her, and going on dates with her and just lounging around the house with her. When I'm not with her my whole demeanor changes. Can anyone explain, If you need more detail I can provide what you need.
 

VEM

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One of your issues, those feelings of apprehension about getting married I think is very normal, something that everyone goes through. Your other issue, becoming morose when you're not around her is normal as well and its happening because you and your fiance make each other happy and you two are really clicking so to speak. The time you spend together has you in a state of mind that you like to be in and of course when she's gone you get all down and out. That's called being in love. Be careful though emotions, feelings are a strong thing and you must learn to not have such large swings in emotion. Emotions are fine and good at the right place and time but many times we must exert control over them and push them down so to speak in order to take care of the situation at hand. Learn to be content and at peace with yourself when you're alone. You by yourself must be able to have a peaceful state of mind and not have to rely on her to be around.

A good relationship can be like a drug and when we don't have that drug we don't feel so good mentally.
You are in love. I hope it lasts a long time for you my friend.
 

JZ67SS

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That was the best answer anyone has given me. Thank you so much! I do love her very much and I don't want to ruin anything. How can I learn to be content with myself? I guess I always was up until I met her, and went nuts. I don't really know, i've never loved anyone before, i've been in other relationships but never loved any of them. I'm new to this whole experience.
 

MoreSuccess

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I agree with VEM, this is normal. I get this at times myself after 20 years of marriage, second guessing choices I made in life, taking the simple times of contentment for granted. Our minds like to think about the negative possibilities while ignoring the good. Eckhardt Tolle calls it our pain body, here's a good article about it.

What has helped me the most is shifting to a view where I see negative thoughts not as "my thoughts", but as my "monkey mind" worrying about stuff. If you were your thoughts, then what is it that is observing those thoughts? Also helping is meditation and mindfulness practices where you learn how to quickly release a thought you don't want.

Next time a thought like "it won't work out" comes, just laugh to yourself and think "there goes my paranoid mind thinking up worries again", and say "thanks for the idea monkey mind but you're wrong". See this article also.
 

VEM

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How can I learn to be content with myself?
I remember the first woman I fell in love with, I was 22 and she was 39 and very sexy but spoiled. Nonetheless
having never been in love before I was mentally blown away. Our time apart had me filled with anxiety and not really being in the moment, not really there 100%. Our attraction for one another was powerful and when we would break up that was even worse for me emotionally. The time you two spend apart are times when you must accept those emotions and let them move through you without hampering
what you're doing. Being extremely anxious to see her again when you're apart will be something that will not be as strong as it is now. Now its strong because it's your first love affair. You've been dreaming about this
for years and now its finally happening, certain chemicals are being released in larger amounts, others are being depleted, its a new interplay of serotonin, cortisol, dopamine and oxytocin to name a few.

With the passing of time you will become more comfortable with this great experience we call a loving relationship and it won't be so painful and depressing to be away from her. Take the time and read up on what's going on with your brain while you're in love and this will explain a lot of what's occurring.
 

JZ67SS

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Thank you everyone, this has been very helpful. Those articles were a great read. I feel better about it all now. I'm going to have a good talk with her about it and see if I can get past this. These posts have helped me more in less then a day than 4 sessions of therapy.
 

JZ67SS

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That article about the "painbody" really hit home for me. I've experienced some things in life that really effected me and are really hard to get over.
 

krobinson

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This is something you been dreaming about and it's finally happening. I agree with VEM there are certain chemicals are being released and being depleted such as dopamine and oxytocin. If you feel this way about her this cycle will not stop happening regardless of who you are with. It will help to understand the working for your mind. You have to understand what's going on with your brain while you're in love and this will explain a lot of what's occurring so you cant keep experiencing these feelings.