Trouble making friends.

Emil

New Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2018
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#1
Hi!
I'm 21, a student and I have trouble making friends. Saying that I have absolutely no friends is a bit of a stretch, but practically on my spare time (and I have plenty) I'm basically all alone. No parties, no hanging out, no texting, no nothing. With a complicated relationship with my family and a lack of siblings, I find myself lonely and often jealous of others, who seemingly make friends easily.

I first found myself in this situation almost 3 years ago, when I was about to finish the local equivalent of high school. I had spent/wasted my whole childhood and teenage years playing video games and all my friends were there purely because we liked the same games. I grew tired of playing and moved to another city to study IT. I'm not into sports either and I've read that guys make friends over common interests. That is problematic for me as I don't really have any hobbies. I mostly spend my spare time watching YouTube videos, because I don't have anything better to do.

Now am I shy? Insecure? Not really, I would say the problem is that I lack hobbies and that I'm also rather emotionally cold. I've had shorter periods where I've had proper friends, but in the end they don't last, often simply because they move away. Now how do people meet new people, well usually thought social events right? Well most social event "require" you to go with someone to begin with. I mean of course I could go to a party on my own and pick up some girl, actually half decent at it but in the end it's awkward and don't result in anything anyway. So I'm kind of stuck in this "can't do social things" because I don't have any friends, but can't make any friends because I don't do social things. I also tried online but that's has not a proven itself not to be a good idea, let's skip the details. Any suggestions?
 

J E Roberson

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#2
Hey Emil, you mentioned it and I think this area of hobbies is worth exploring. It is true, as you stated friends usually come from common interest. Also our interest and hobbies are what makes life fulfilling. Seems like you are lacking in hobbies as well which is a great place to start.

My suggestion is dive into some personal areas of joy. This will put you in a comfort zone while doing these activities and accomplish two things. 1. Increase your life's Joy which will make you less likely to have concern for needing friends. It will also help your energy flow freely and attract friends.

A great way to start is with a list of skills you would like to have or any accomplishments you would like to achieve or any areas of study you would like to take up. Once you get a healthy list of activities (10+) that upon thought seem to make your heart sing, pick few that you can start quickly like within a week.

Lastly, it is amazing what happens on the journey to our goals. I encourage you to find joy in the activities you do (outside the home) to find friends.
Focusing on the path to new friends versus the end result increases life's joy and removes the energy zapping thoughts of I'll be better when "this event" happens.

Regards,
 
Joined
Apr 9, 2018
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#4
Heres the thing man. Making friends as an adult is not as easy as it was in high school or college even. I never had many friends but now that I am older, I really get to chose the people I want to be friends with. It comes down to when you meet someone, just ask them questions they are interested in. Be interested in what they wanna talk about. It works every time! Dont be a complainer, dont be the person that talks about themselves, just be interested in what they wanna talk about. People love to talk about themselves and when you let them talk about themselves they are gonna love it! They will go to you everytime but its fun because they will eventually do the same for you. Also if you can remember a persons name, its your golden ticket. napoleon hill says " A persons name is like music to their ears." So if you can remember their name, I promise you you will catch them off guard, why? because majority of people dont remember names.

Hope this helps brother!

P.S. Same goes for meeting a girl or guy haha
 
Joined
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#5
@Emil my personal suggestion is to start with the one person that has always been and will always be in your life. You. As you get to know yourself more, you build the most important friendship and relationship in your entire life. That relationship with yourself sets the stage for every other relation through your life. Also, assess your motivation for friendships. What do you believe having a friend or friends might bring you? When you can discover your motivation, you can cut out the middle man and give to yourself what you're hoping to receive. You also mentioned some family issues, which can lead to a bunch of open loops emotionally. If you can create ways to close some of those loops and come to an internal resolution with those people, situations, or circumstances, you can change the emotional charge in other areas of life that are similar. Also keep in mind that our perception creates our reality. How you choose to see a situation is exactly how you will see it. While you don't have control over the external world, you do have control over your perception. When you can shift that perception, you can change your reality. Hope that helps.
 

DreamLifeRules

Coaching Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2018
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#7
Hi!
I'm 21, a student and I have trouble making friends. Saying that I have absolutely no friends is a bit of a stretch, but practically on my spare time (and I have plenty) I'm basically all alone. No parties, no hanging out, no texting, no nothing. With a complicated relationship with my family and a lack of siblings, I find myself lonely and often jealous of others, who seemingly make friends easily.

I first found myself in this situation almost 3 years ago, when I was about to finish the local equivalent of high school. I had spent/wasted my whole childhood and teenage years playing video games and all my friends were there purely because we liked the same games. I grew tired of playing and moved to another city to study IT. I'm not into sports either and I've read that guys make friends over common interests. That is problematic for me as I don't really have any hobbies. I mostly spend my spare time watching YouTube videos, because I don't have anything better to do.

Now am I shy? Insecure? Not really, I would say the problem is that I lack hobbies and that I'm also rather emotionally cold. I've had shorter periods where I've had proper friends, but in the end they don't last, often simply because they move away. Now how do people meet new people, well usually thought social events right? Well most social event "require" you to go with someone to begin with. I mean of course I could go to a party on my own and pick up some girl, actually half decent at it but in the end it's awkward and don't result in anything anyway. So I'm kind of stuck in this "can't do social things" because I don't have any friends, but can't make any friends because I don't do social things. I also tried online but that's has not a proven itself not to be a good idea, let's skip the details. Any suggestions?
Hi Emil, I think you have a great advance that you are not shy, or insecure. My suggestion for you is just go out, even for yourself, or try to call some of your friend, go to party, go to club, or go just to the library. Try to be more out, then you are in your apartment. Try also contact some of your previous friends, we could find another common interests, you have also some memories together (There is one proverb about old friends - New friends are great, but old friends are better). And if its doesn´t work out with our old friends, you could just go with them to social events, and find more and more.
I hope it helps, good luck making a bunch of friends.
 

denydritz

Coaching Member
Joined
May 27, 2018
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#8
Hi Emil, your situation is interesting. I'm sensing that the source of your problem is in your relationship with your family, and seeing yourself as 'emotionally cold'. Why do you say you're emotionally cold?

If it's possible, try to build a healthy relationship with your family. Success in one relationship translates to success in other relationships, since they are built on the same foundation. Maybe if you can be warm with your family, then you won't be emotionally cold when going out on public social activities, and therefore connect with new people and make new friends.

If you don't have any hobbies, how about joining communities of people who are emotionally cold and want to make friends? It might sound like a silly suggestion, but since you don't have hobbies, and you feel cold emotionally, then maybe meeting people who have the same problem as you will do the trick.

Cheers!
 

VEM

Advisor Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2018
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Houston
#9
My suggestion is dive into some personal areas of joy. This will put you in a comfort zone while doing these activities and accomplish two things. 1. Increase your life's Joy which will make you less likely to have concern for needing friends. It will also help your energy flow freely and attract friends.
It comes down to when you meet someone, just ask them questions they are interested in. Be interested in what they wanna talk about. It works every time! Dont be a complainer, dont be the person that talks about themselves, just be interested in what they wanna talk about. People love to talk about themselves and when you let them talk about themselves they are gonna love it! They will go to you everytime but its fun because they will eventually do the same for you. Also if you can remember a persons name, its your golden ticket. napoleon hill says " A persons name is like music to their ears." So if you can remember their name, I promise you you will catch them off guard, why? because majority of people dont remember names.
@Emil my personal suggestion is to start with the one person that has always been and will always be in your life. You. As you get to know yourself more, you build the most important friendship and relationship in your entire life. That relationship with yourself sets the stage for every other relation through your life. Also, assess your motivation for friendships. What do you believe having a friend or friends might bring you? When you can discover your motivation, you can cut out the middle man and give to yourself what you're hoping to receive.
Hi Emil, your situation is interesting. I'm sensing that the source of your problem is in your relationship with your family, and seeing yourself as 'emotionally cold'. Why do you say you're emotionally cold?

If it's possible, try to build a healthy relationship with your family. Success in one relationship translates to success in other relationships, since they are built on the same foundation. Maybe if you can be warm with your family, then you won't be emotionally cold when going out on public social activities, and therefore connect with new people and make new friends.
Hello Emil

I've included quotes from other people in my reply that I feel have given you some good advice that you could make use of yet I believe that all of us who care about you are only getting a small piece of who you are and in order for you to acquire the skills and concepts you need to make friends I think you should very much pay a bit more attention to what ZenRoseGarden said and secondly find someone that you can get comfortable with online that you can begin to reveal more of what's going on with you and they may be able to give you a more customized recommendation concerning your situation. I believe that you being on this website is definitely a step in the right direction and now is the time to pick someone who you can confide in.