The Problem with making choices

Markus

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#1
Hi guys,

I am from germany and I'm new to this site. I love the content, that already helped me a lot.

Now I wanna introduce my main problem and I hope you can and want to help me.

My main problem is making a specific choice. But that's not it. It's the problem, that it seems I already made the choice in my head and I can't figure out if it's just because I am running away from my situation or I really REALLY want to make this choice.

My situation in short is the following:
I am an - not so successful - freelance audio engineer that studied in city A. I met that girl in our hometown (city x). Both of us work in the media business (we have and that is for sure one thing in common). We live together in City B.
Unfortunately my head tells me that being with that woman was not the right choice. Sex is not that good and I have to admit she's by personality not my dream woman. But there is one tough other side. She helped me a lot in my personal evolution (so did I to her) and we got s**t together what we (maybe) haven't by now if we didn't have each other. I really love her for helping me that much. The negative side is that she overdoes it. She criticizes me wherever she can. I hardly can live with that. But then again, she often is right.

Now I got a job offer in city A again and that city was my all-time favorite. She said that she sees it as an option to follow me in about 6 months. But she sees also that I have not tried to be successful in City B, where we are living now, which she takes personally.

Unfortunately she is right. I don't like city B that much. And I don't know if I would ever moved there, if she was not there. Now that I have this offer, I am really enthusiastic about eventually being in City A again, but I really don't know if I want her to follow me. It's a so extreme dilemma for me that causes me headaches.

I feel like I have already made the choice in my head. I really want to go to city A. But should I try to stay with that woman, that I owe so much by helping me or should I let her go because she's not fitting in my so called dreamlife? I hardly can make pros and cons. I am trying every day. She's good for me and I am good for her. But I can't see how things could turn to the good, because the conditions where not there at the beginning. There always would be a con, if I find a pro. It felt like the right thing because we were good for the other one.

How can I figure out if that's just a problem I am running away from or if it is time a change? Everything would change for me.

I really don't want you to chose for me. I just need some input if you know what I mean. And by the way...that choice problem comes up everytime. By every choice I have to make.

Sincerly,
Markus (Germany)
 

Todd Hicks

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#2
You have to make the final decisions for your life but I suggest that if you value your mate, you do what it takes to remain with her unless she is not in a good situation and staying behind would make you and perhaps your mate too unhappy.
 

Nik

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#3
Hi Markus,
Thank you for being open about your life. You can be proud of that!
I would like to reply on your story, but remember this is just my perspective.
You still have to feel if it's right for you.
And that is directly the main item in your story: You keep writing that you 'think'.
Choices made by head are often choices not to make. What does your heart say?
If I feel into your story, it seems that going to city A is what your heart suggests.

Also, you say you owe your girl, but I think that is not true at all. She made a conscious choice of doing that herself.
I might even think that this is what she does all the time.
At first you needed it and it sounded like helping, now you label the same efforts as criticism.
If she needs credits for helping you, then give that to her and thank her. Say you don't need that anymore.

Are you happy with her?
You are responsible for your happiness. Although you have influence, you are not responsible for hers; she is.
Talk to her. Don't be afraid you might hurt her feelings. Be kind (to yourself too).
You can also write a letter explaining your concerns and read it to her.
Then you can 'think' about it before and stay on track when explaining.
Ask her not to interrupt before you are finished. Say you can talk afterwards.

About you 'choice problem'. I believe you lack faith.
Don't let others determine whether you are successful or not.
Have faith that no matter what choice you make, if it comes from the heart, it's okay.
Then it doesn't matter what happens, Things then are supposed to happen.
Don't try to predict what can or might happen too much. You can't (unless you're clear voyant).

Maybe you thought of all this things before, but you still have to take action.
Seek coaching. I can help you with that, if you want.
You can do it.
 

Cynthia

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#4
Nik and Todd have good suggestions.

You say you're "not so successful" in your city right now. And that you did get a job offer -- so your skills are very marketable.

Perhaps trying this job offer in another city for a time would help you both in your work and in your relationship.

The effort to communicate with one another might improve your relationship.

The effort to travel to visit one another might increase your appreciation for one another.

Once you're doing well, you could get another, better offer back in that city -- or as she offered, she may move.

Moving does not need to distance you. Many people live far apart nowadays.
 

MoreSuccess

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#5
Welcome Markus. Is it easy for you to meet new women and form a relationship? I think that is something to factor in. For many, it's not easy to find a relationship like you have, and it would be really sad if you left her and couldn't find anyone else better, or at all. We often don't appreciate someone until we lose them. Criticism is common in relationships, and is usually because they care about you and they are trying to give advice. Our egos react to that, but if you can calm the ego, you can get out of the defensive reactive mode and not care that they think some improvement is needed. As for sex, for most, it's not going to be as great as it was over time with anyone. Finding someone new is a short-term fix and you risk having none at all unless you have the looks and/or personality to easily meet new women. Maybe you do, I don't know.

I don't believe there is such a thing as a dream girl for most, and often better to hang on to what good things we have rather than risk throwing it away and having nothing but regrets.

Of course I can't really assess your situation on a post but I thought I'd share some thoughts off the top of my head. I think it comes down to whether you take the lower risk decision to keep what you know and have, or take the gamble on a higher risk option where you may have less or you may have better.