Spouse that dismisses anything to do with Personal Development?

Quest

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What do u say to a Spouse that dismisses anything to do with Personal Development?..says stuff like " Instead of listening to those Personal Delopment "tapes" try listening to a tape that tells you how to treat me better" Basically thinks me and my Personal Development is full of crap.
 
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J E Roberson

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I have had numerous relationships and even a marriage come to a head with the topic of PD or because we have grown in different directions. In my opinion there isn't much to say to someone who doesn't value the pursuit of the best version of themself. I would suggest trying to bridge the gap between your work and the outcome with the statements that make your spouse understand the more full filed your are the more you can give to them.

However I must say after over a decided of prioritizing growth and a career of life coaching valuing personal development is either in a person or it is not. They can change but only on their own accord.
 

Quest

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Thanks JE,

Not trying to make anyone change. In the beginning I may have been a little bit. But I have learned the best way to influence anyone is set an example, and that Is what I try my best to do.

However I am accused of being judgemental. I think of the famous crab story everyone tells. about if a crab tries to get out, the others pull him back in...
 
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Ethanbridges

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Hello again Quest.

This is what comes to mind: "Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners."

I must say I've been through this scenario: I tried my "best" to tell someone what they should do, or their mistakes, and I *felt* like they saw me as judgmental. Of course, I hate judging people, but it may not seem so for them, when they hear me talk. And I've been personally attacked because of that. It's like, you present what you perceive to be the solution to a problem, and they find a fault in you.

So I learned to "keep quiet." But remember, shutting up doesn't necessarily mean you don't know how to communicate.

When you read a lot of books and feel that you find lots of "secret knowledge," you'll start to see people in general, in a different light. Chances of finding someone who'd think like you would be slim. "Me against the world." Or "Me and PD against the world."

But I take that learning PD involves *really* understanding people, being able to let them say what they want (even within your earshot), courage (big time), and forgiveness. You wouldn't really use PD to attack another person (in whatever form), would you?

You've quite answered your question, actually. And I think we're on the same page. Do more, talk less--there is a difference.

On a side note, try wooing your spouse. PD is all about balancing life, eh? :D
 

Uniquecoach

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You can always share that they are one of the reasons you are studying PD. In order to give to someone else, you must learn to love who you are first. You cannot give true love until you can love yourself. Otherwise, you are simply mimicking what the world does, and quite honestly, it isn't very pretty out there. Perhaps start sharing with your spouse what you are learning, and show how it can benefit them as well. For example: your learning how to overcome obstacles - are there obstacles you two are facing? Try implementing the concepts you are learning so they can see the benefit. Or, are you trying to be more attentive? Then arrange a time where you two can be alone and share that you think this is important and you want to give them the time they deserve.

See what I mean? It most likely has nothing to do with PD. More than likely, it is the time you are investing in yourself instead of them. So try to fill that gap by meeting them where they are. Ask them questions? What is it that bothers you about me trying to improve my life? Get it :)
 

Dayna Merry

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Aloha Quest,
There is a difference between dismissing it and demeaning it. I can understand just dismissing it or ignoring it in your partner, But to insult your journey to becoming a better you and insulting you in the process is not someone I would want to be with. In teaching my course I have seen 4 marriages end because the partner did not like what was happening. Your unearth some nasty stuff when you grow spiritual emotionally mentally and physically and some people are not ready to face that in themselves or see it everyday without lashing out and ending the relationship. You can keep going on till they hurt you too bad or they are ready to grow with you.
 

Quest

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U r right, dismissing and demeaning are 2 completely different things...I might actually be facing a divorce...wife said she needs to find herself. Work on just her.........lol. Been fighting me on for 4 years...she has a real hard time taking any advice/direction from me. Cause she knows it all already. But I can clearly see her struggling...

I'm not a very fast thinker, but was just thinking tonight. who better to help her with that besides me???? I'm 4 years into my spiritual journey. Have over 50 programs on the subject. Very ironic...
 
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Quest

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Wife still holding out for divorce, no sex, no touching, for about 8 months now. But we've actually been getting along better than ever now. Respecting each other, not bitching or complaining.
 
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AAckroyd

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What do u say to a Spouse that dismisses anything to do with Personal Development?..says stuff like " Instead of listening to those Personal Delopment "tapes" try listening to a tape that tells you how to treat me better" Basically thinks me and my Personal Development is full of crap.
Hi Todd,
I'm a bit late joining this thread... In my new book on personal development, (the one I am currently seeking help choosing the cover for), I recommend keeping a secret journal for listing personal goals and related notes (i.e. for your eyes only). It is a common observation that mentioning one's personal goals to others (even to close relatives - and especially when the goals are new, fragile and embryonic) is often a bad idea. There is some quite complicated psychology involved, which I won't get into here. Perhaps you could also listen to your self-development tapes in private too and perhaps not share your new insights, but convert them into action rather than vocal intimations. I know this can be a new paradigm for people who are used to sharing everything that's in their mind with partners and close friends. This advice is of the 'general' category. I recommend following your own intuition over anything I suggest, because at the end of the day, I just don't know you and your situation. All I can tell you is what I recommend to 'most people'. I hope this might be of some value to you.
 
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William Martinez

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Maybe instead of focusing,on her aversion to PD, you could focus on what she means by treating her better? What need is she needing you to fullill? She might not know how to communicate what she needs from you, even worse yet, thinks you should"just know." It's a common misconception we all have in relationships. Work to figure out what she needs, and fullfill that need. Then she'll be so grateful, and want to hopefully fullfill your needs in kind. Again super quick, condensed response to your inquiry, bUT hopefully that helps:)
 

Todd Hicks

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You can always share that they are one of the reasons you are studying PD. In order to give to someone else, you must learn to love who you are first. You cannot give true love until you can love yourself. Otherwise, you are simply mimicking what the world does, and quite honestly, it isn't very pretty out there. Perhaps start sharing with your spouse what you are learning, and show how it can benefit them as well. For example: your learning how to overcome obstacles - are there obstacles you two are facing? Try implementing the concepts you are learning so they can see the benefit. Or, are you trying to be more attentive? Then arrange a time where you two can be alone and share that you think this is important and you want to give them the time they deserve.

See what I mean? It most likely has nothing to do with PD. More than likely, it is the time you are investing in yourself instead of them. So try to fill that gap by meeting them where they are. Ask them questions? What is it that bothers you about me trying to improve my life? Get it :)
Some don't like to see others better themselves.
 

Quest

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Did find this podcast called "save the marriage podcast" well put together and probably about 100 different podcasts on many issues...very, very, very good. I recommend it to anybody thats in a relationship, or wants to get in a relationship. Helping me with, what to do, and not do. If I can't save my marriage after this guyz advice, it just isn't meant to be... :)
 

Scott Harvey

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Personal development is a very abstract topic. Unless you've had experience with any of the practices previously, it's unlikely you're going to be convinced that it's worthwhile. Is there no way you can help your partner to see the value in what you're doing? Take them along for the journey and help them begin to grow?

It's not uncommon for people to head towards a life of personal development because they feel powerless in their current lives and want to move towards an empowering and successful life. This is a personal question, but are you a people pleaser? The biggest thing my partner noticed after I began taking personal development seriously was that I treated people differently. Not badly, but differently. I went from doing everything I could for everyone I met, to focussing on myself and my priorities.

If your partner has become accustomed to you doing everything for them, it is a hard path to challenge. She may not consciously attach you doing everything for her as love, but that is what's going through her mind.

Another thing is to be able to detach others thoughts from your feelings. This sounds like a hard arse move, but you need to learn to be proactive rather than reactive. I spend a lot of time working; more time than I spend playing around with my family at the moment (I'm trying to build a business). It's hard on her because she wants to spend more time with me and feels neglected. I know I'm not neglecting her and I'm doing it for the benefit of our family. I've detached myself from her negative feelings and continue to do what is best. I am empathetic towards her stance, and when I'm free to I try to make her feel as loved as I can, but my life does not revolve around her.

Reframe your relationship. You should not have her on a pedestal, and she should not expect to be on one. You're together and have a life together, but you are also separate entities with separate goals and aspirations. Don't bend to the whim of others, live your life for yourself.
 

Todd Hicks

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It's true that you should live for yourself but it's vital to not be so obsessed with your work that you don't spend enough time with your wife. If you literally spend all day and night working and only spend a few minutes a day with her other than at dinner time, you could be on your way to a divorce.
 

Scott Harvey

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I completely agree that you're heading towards a failed relationship if you point blank refuse to fulfil your partners need for attention. But what I've discovered recently is the difference between quantity and quality.

I was spending the majority of my spare time with my partner, but we were passively watching television in silence - "don't talk, I can't hear the TV..."
Compared to now where we spend maybe 2 hours of focussed time together, talking deeply, interacting, playing, having fun...

I don't believe someone should have the power over you to dictate your actions. But I do believe it should be your choice to provide those things for her, if you truly love her. Further more, at lot can be said for utilising time in the best possible way. As far as I'm concerned, our bond grows as much while passively watching TV as it does when I'm nowhere near her. 2 hours of interaction feels like we've never been closer.
 

William Martinez

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Wife still holding out for divorce, no sex, no touching, for about 8 months now. But we've actually been getting along better than ever now. Respecting each other, not bitching or complaining.
Quest, I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this tough time, have you guys tried coaching or counseling? There is a deeper reason for her still entertaining thought of divorce. If it's not someone else, or something extreme like addictions for example, I believe your relationship can be not only saved, but made better than before. Good luck my friend :)
 

Quest

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Read all replies, and thank you. Wife comes from a family where they kinda think they know it all, but....I've come to realize it comes from insecurities. So they stronghold everyone, and everything to make up for it.

I think my wife has lost control of me and can't handle it, the old scare tactics don't work anymore. I would love to take this journey together with her. And have not and will not give up.
 
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Quest

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Don't know if I'm allowed to post this or not but this is an example of the "save the marriage" podcast I've been listening to and highly recommend: describes perfectly the change that happened inside me...

http://media.blubrry.com/saveyourmarriage/content.blubrry.com/saveyourmarriage/STMPodcast98.mp3

Contains alot of things I've studied over the past couple years. But gears it tward saving ur marriage. There at least 50 different subjects this guy covers all
for free.
 
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