Sexually perverted? / Unable to commit

Joined
Apr 19, 2015
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Hi

Im brand new here. Ive been thinking alot but its not getting me anywhere so i thought id throw some ideas out there and see what the internet thinks.

Here goes...

For the last 3-4 years ive been very liberal about who and how many people ive slept with. I feel like its done me some damage to some extent.

Recently ive met a girl i really like. But im struggling to allow myself to commit to her. Also i slept with someone else while she was away. We arnt dating so its not like i cheated on her but ive hurt her feelings and i feel awful about doing it.

At some point within the last two weeks ive discovered that i have a need for female validation about my mental and physical appearance. I desire to be desired. Its a pattern of loneliness that loops around and cause more harm each time. I guess i need to re wire the way i think, but i dont know how.

Im slowly (well, not that slowly) coming to the realization that im a total jerk. And i hate that so much.

A friend of mine (who recently left the country) talked alot of 'personal development'. Which is why i googled the term, leading me here. He suggested i read alot and have harsh conversations with myself regularly.

Does anyone have an thoughts on this? Can you recommend me some good reading? I want to be a better person than i am right now.
 

Gabriel

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Apr 19, 2015
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I think what you feel is normal. That's not to say you are right in what you're doing but you shouldn't feel guilty about it as long as you are careful not to hurt anybody. So, I think you should be honest to every girl you care about and let them know what they can expect from you.
 

MoreSuccess

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Welcome, I'm glad to hear you're wanting to change. It's a good friend that would share advice like that, I hope you stay in contact. That's the hardest part to first want to change. It's what set me on the path of personal development, when I got so disgusted with my situation that I decided I had to learn new ways. It led to me becoming an avid reader, some speaker/authors I started with at that time of my life were Jim Rohn, Brian Tracy, and Tony Robbins.

I agree with Gabriel that the need for such validation is very common, and I think it's at the core of learning to be more happy. You more you reduce that dependence on others, the more you improve your underlying emotional state, and actually make others like you more. I also agree it's better to be honest up front, explain that you're not at a place in your life that you want to commit to one relationship. It may mean some women are no longer interested but better that then setting both of you up for unhappiness. Plus it can sour your reputation if somehow word gets around. The alternative is to truly commit to one, but only you know whether you're ready for that. Sometimes I think it's best to get the single life fully out of your system before you commit.

For learning more about personal development, my recommendation is don't latch onto only one teacher/author long term. A given teacher may be great and worth focusing on for awhile, but if you experience a wide variety of perspectives, you're more likely to find ones that work for you, and will have a wider variety of concepts and tools to apply in your life. One I can recommend that will cost you nothing is Chuck Gallozzi, he's a very experienced teacher that does speaking engagements for major companies, and his writings are published exclusively here at http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/. You can just periodically browse and read titles that spark your interest. You can also subscribe to the newsletter at http://www.personal-development.com/newslettertestimonials.htm.

Several of our members here also have much to share if you read their postings and visit the links in their signatures.
 

Chris Desatoff

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Apr 4, 2015
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Well, I don't think that being attracted to more than one girl or being iffy about making a commitment makes you a pervert. If that were the case, then we're all pervs. So try not to beat yourself up so much over it. But as others have said, it is important to be open and upfront with anyone you go out with. That's just common decency and respect.

Did you talk to this girl about how you feel about her? You gotta do that, man. It seems hard at first, but once you get it out there, you'll find it's actually kind of fun and refreshing to talk openly with someone like that. She'll like it too.

Seriously, do it. Talk to her. You'll be so glad you did.
 

Kelly Baxter

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Apr 8, 2015
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Yes, I think you are in the right place. You're very blessed to have a friend to refer you here and that definitely is a good thing. It sounds to me like you are really struggling with issues of self worth and it is never okay to beat yourself up. You are acknowledging that you have a problem and that is the first step toward finding a cure. I definitely agree with all the advice given here that you need to be honest with the women that you are involved with. And while I would love to sell you something myself, I really think that the best place for you to go would be to read Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. Don't just read it, but do the exercises. It will cause you to dig deep within and figure out who you are and when you know that you can make great decisions and choices going forward.
 
Joined
Mar 29, 2015
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Lol, you sound very familiar my friend! I think all of us have felt the way you feel, maybe not on the same subject but the feeling of craving validation in this life is common, and all of us one stage or another have Googled Personal Development or Law of attraction in search to simply.............. feel better!

I agree with all other answers too! Glad your journey is starting.... stay in touch bro!
 
Joined
Mar 29, 2015
Messages
9
Points
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Location
Sydney
Well, I don't think that being attracted to more than one girl or being iffy about making a commitment makes you a pervert. If that were the case, then we're all pervs. So try not to beat yourself up so much over it. But as others have said, it is important to be open and upfront with anyone you go out with. That's just common decency and respect.

Did you talk to this girl about how you feel about her? You gotta do that, man. It seems hard at first, but once you get it out there, you'll find it's actually kind of fun and refreshing to talk openly with someone like that. She'll like it too.

Seriously, do it. Talk to her. You'll be so glad you did.
Good advice bro!
 

Mrnace

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Jan 16, 2015
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Go to rsdnation.com and post it on there.

I think they'll have a few words to say on there.

Also. do you have any tips on getting girls?