Self confidence and marriage


New Member
Nov 13, 2017
I've been married for over two years. The relationship and marriage are awesome. I love my wife immensely and she is just wonderful to me. I couldn't feel luckier.

Years ago my mother could be quite verbally abusive when she got into some very depressive stages. I also had issues with an ex who became verbally abusive. As the relationship got worse and was obviously coming to an end I got less interested in sex and would not perform as well due to it. She would insult and verbally abuse me horribly for this. Finally, I caught her cheating. Even though I wanted her gone and was very happy to end the relationship, I feel dealing with that from a young age, and in that relationship, really messed with my confidence.

I freak out sometimes before sex now. I want to perform so well to keep her happy. It causes performance anxiety at times with mixed results. I just love her and think she is beautiful. I hate to have this get in the way. But I feel like if I'm not great she will stray like my ex. She's nothing like her and I know it's crazy to think but it's just stuck in my head.

I started to chat anonymously online a bit just to get compliments and try to feel "sexy" again. I don't know why I chose this route. I never wanted to meet anyone. Just chat and try and get a confidence boost for my actual life. My wife does everything to make me feel great. But after an anxiety episode, I think I was just searching for any quick fix to get confident. And I feel like it would not be very manly to express such fears and anxieties to my wife. I always hated myself for doing it, and I don't know why I did it from time to time. Maybe I was scared of facing my truths.

She noticed me chatting once and got very upset. She made me promise to never do it again. She did catch me again. Seeing her cry broke my heart. I love her and want to do everything to be a good husband to her. I never admitted to what I was doing. But I think it's time to tell her the truth. Tell her why. And figure out how to fix how I am feeling. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world with her, and I'm even happy with my career too. I have great friends and do some really cool things. But somehow the pain inside is just stronger often.

I feel like I'm just talking this out with myself here. I haven't spoken to her yet but I will tonight. I don't know if I need therapy or need to be open and honest and work on it every day myself. But any experiences or advice anyone has is welcome. Thank you.


Senior Advisor
Staff member
May 28, 2011
California, USA
I guess it partly depends on the type of chatting you do and if you're remaining anonymous. I do think better to be honest and let her know it's not her, that it's you. And that it's the safest outlet you can think of. The deception and secrets hurts far more than the deed. The honestly about the situation helps demonstrate that there is likely honesty about the details. That said, we don't know your wife or how she might react to the truth. Nor what she would see, should see see your chats. So your lowest risk option is if course to just stop, find another outlet. Or at least tone it down to where you could show the chats to her and she would see that there is no talk of meeting in person, no affair, etc.

Your sex performance may not matter to her as much as you think. Maybe talk to her about it, see if she will share what areas she'd enjoy changing.

Sorry, no other great insights, you know your wife the best....