Realizing what kind of person you are

kinny.mat

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Dec 1, 2015
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Hello all,

I'm new to this board and would like to get your input on a few points. I'm 28 years old and have come to the realization about who I really am. I've always wanted to better myself physically, mentally and spiritually - but have felt recently that there was something blocking me from achieving my potential.

I've done a lot of self-assessing over the past few months and have come to the conclusion that I have 5 traits that are holding me back from reaching my potential as an individual and living a fulfilling life. I was hoping to get your feedback with respect as to how you might have dealt in improving a particular self-destructive trait of yours, self-improvement tools/books/techniques that may have helped you move past these barriers or any helpful comments that may help me work on bettering myself. The following identifies a few points are areas of concern I should improve on.

1) I have a difficulty following individuals who possess great leadership qualities - This maybe due to the illogical reasoning that ''because if I do follow them, I may seem inferior to the other people in a group for following the lead of someone else other than myself''.

2) I was an elite athlete for many years that thrived in a competitive environment, but have lost my competitive edge in whatever I am embarking on. I want to rediscover this side of me at work and in life in general.

3) I've had a hard time taking risks in several new projects I have embarked... or not embarked on. Why is this the case?

4) I am very reluctant to making mistakes. Something that has been frowned upon greatly in my family. This may be my biggest weakness.

5) I'm at a point where I feel as if I'm coasting in several day to day activities.

It really does feel weird to be writing down these negative points about myself, but I do believe that it's very important to keep bettering yourself in life. Asking for help and advice should never be frowned upon and I believe some of you may be able to help me moving forward.

Thank you all for your help.

KM.
 

MoreSuccess

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Hi Kinny and welcome. Some really great observations, I'll share some random thoughts that come to mind.

In regards to leaders, is it perhaps the athlete mindset of wanting to be in "first place"? Is it perhaps the same with taking risks and making mistakes, it's either win or lose, and better to take the safe road and win, rather than the hard road and lose? Finding the underlying beliefs that drive your behavior is the first step, the second step is deciding if you want to change that belief, the third step is to choose the new belief you want instead. I can give an example if you want.

All I can do is speak for what helped for me with this sort of mindset. One was coming to see that sadly, too many always have happiness perpetually out in the future. Basically a "I'll be happy only if I can ______". Sadly, the moment they achieve that, they have a really short period of happiness before happiness is pushed out way into the future based upon a new dependency. I think this is why the mindfulness practices are becoming so popular, as well as the popularity of the book The Power of Now. Usually, if you just put the focus into being the best you can be and doing the daily stuff that excites you, and focusing on the present moment, you just naturally achieve things and you had more fun getting there than the actual end result. The only competition is with oneself, whether you did the best you could.

The way that works for me with mistakes is I just immediately ask myself "what can I learn from that mistake". If I come up with something, then I feel great! History is full of how successful and amazing people learned from countless mistakes. If you're not making mistakes, I don't think you're learning, you are stagnant. You have to welcome mistakes, get on that leading edge where the future is unknown and jump off it! Decide it doesn't matter if the project doesn't go perfectly, you're going to have a blast, you're going to learn, and you're going to give it 110%, and if something doesn't go right you're going to figure out why and then you'll be even better and smarter than you were before.

In regards to following leaders, you can do so and see yourself as the true winner. You can be the one quietly studying and learning from them, and building rapport with them to where they owe you and would support you. I got one of my biggest promotions by following a leader I had mixed feelings about but I supported him and built trust, and it was repaid, and totally unexpected. You have to train yourself to truly not care what anyone thinks, and just do what you know is best for you.
 

kinny.mat

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Dec 1, 2015
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msuccess,
Thanks for your response. You did bring up some good points and good examples. I think the concept of trying to learn from ones mistake is something a lot of people try to integrate in their lives; it's harder said than done. I think points 3, 4 & 5 are all related some way to the fear of making mistakes. Are there any authors that have written books/articles on getting over the fear of making mistakes and how to apply specific exercises in your daily life?
 

MoreSuccess

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I'm not familiar with any specific books, perhaps this topic overlaps with perfectionism, and you can find something on Amazon.

I will just add that I'm a huge fan of mindfulness, based upon personal experience I really believe it can help with these things and so much else. Most issues like this I think arise because we let our mind run whatever thoughts and emotions it wants to through our head. We don't choose our thoughts, we become like robots following programming that we don't even like. So we make a mistake, and when that "crap I screwed up" emotion hits us, we just let it run it's course. Mindfulness training teaches you to intercept that thought almost the moment it hits, and consciously decide to choose a different thought. Definitely easier said than done but it's something that can be learned, and helps with all sorts of things. It's becoming popular even in the corporate world, Google for example, see http://justrollingwith.it/mindfulness-and-meditation-talks-at-google/ for some videos.
 

tomasoberg

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Thanks for sharing, your though and brave for sure.

This is my spin on it, is it right for you? f*** no.
Should you listen to it 100%? no way in hell. dont believe it.
You have to do your own thing. I can only share my story and my thoughts.

I had huge problems before, I always find fault and was full with self doubt and self hate.
I started to read through hundreds of books and courses in "personal development" and lost myself even more.
I had an angel on it that I wasnt good enough, i had to be better and always put myself down because of that. I forbid myself to be angry, to be sad, to think negative until one day i just realized.
s**t, Ive just driften further away from myself with all this books and courses.

I will never be prefect, it dosnt matter what i achieve, i wont be more happier if Im not happy at the moment.
True happiness and love comes out of you its nothing you find outside of you.

I would say look at yourself, be true to yourself , more true then you ever have been.
Who the are you ? not who you want to become, who are you atm?

If you cant change things about you, accept it.
If you can change it, practice the skill of patient because it will take time.

IF you know you have a "weakness" you can try to improve it or just be aware of it.
You can even use it.

Nobody is perfect, never will be.

Yesterday I was broken into pieces. I had to go into the woods and cry.
I have emotional scars that needs healing, I can just be thru to myself , forgive the people and myself then let the healing begin.

Start practice forgiveness and gratitude to others and then you will learn to do the for yourself.

I still love the process of learning wich I do daily, but try to not be so self critic all the time.
 

allanrsm

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Aug 25, 2015
Messages
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Hello all,

I'm new to this board and would like to get your input on a few points. I'm 28 years old and have come to the realization about who I really am. I've always wanted to better myself physically, mentally and spiritually - but have felt recently that there was something blocking me from achieving my potential.

I've done a lot of self-assessing over the past few months and have come to the conclusion that I have 5 traits that are holding me back from reaching my potential as an individual and living a fulfilling life. I was hoping to get your feedback with respect as to how you might have dealt in improving a particular self-destructive trait of yours, self-improvement tools/books/techniques that may have helped you move past these barriers or any helpful comments that may help me work on bettering myself. The following identifies a few points are areas of concern I should improve on.

1) I have a difficulty following individuals who possess great leadership qualities - This maybe due to the illogical reasoning that ''because if I do follow them, I may seem inferior to the other people in a group for following the lead of someone else other than myself''.

2) I was an elite athlete for many years that thrived in a competitive environment, but have lost my competitive edge in whatever I am embarking on. I want to rediscover this side of me at work and in life in general.

3) I've had a hard time taking risks in several new projects I have embarked... or not embarked on. Why is this the case?

4) I am very reluctant to making mistakes. Something that has been frowned upon greatly in my family. This may be my biggest weakness.

5) I'm at a point where I feel as if I'm coasting in several day to day activities.

It really does feel weird to be writing down these negative points about myself, but I do believe that it's very important to keep bettering yourself in life. Asking for help and advice should never be frowned upon and I believe some of you may be able to help me moving forward.

Thank you all for your help.

KM.
Thanks for the open and frank assessment regarding where you see yourself...this is always the biggest milestone in any journey that we undertake to progress ourselves and realize a fulfilled potential!

The way I see the situation you describe is that you lack something to get enthusiastic about!

When we have no target or goal upon which to fix our compass point and ultimately the direction our life takes we are easily impacted about by the external influences and circumstances of our intellectual, spiritual and physical environment.

The common thread that interlinks all of the aspects you mention above is a lack of desire and drive that dictates how you act each and everyday.

I would suggest taking a few days to really get honest with yourself and develop a goal and an image of how you truly wan to live and the how you want to live.

When you have developed this goal, get enthusiastic and expect that lifestyle to manifest and be attained. When we are able to switch on to this way of living we become more effective and efficient and essentially work in The Certain Way (as described by Wallace D. Wattles) that brings us into harmony with all the good that we desire and creates a momentum that will accelerate our goals being received.
 

Cynthia

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I agree about enthusiasm. It may be the ingredient you're lacking. Look at your purpose in various areas of life, and see where enthusiasm arises for you.

Consider, as you do, what you're grateful for, as that will lead you to what's happening in your life.
 

Todd Hicks

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Dec 3, 2014
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Now that you have identified your weaknesses, it's time to act on eliminating them. Instead of always following others, step up to be a leader. Take more risks without fear of failure, as you must do it sometimes to get ahead. Take time to exercise and get in shape regularly.
 

AnnMarie Lewellyn

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Jan 19, 2016
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Ocala, Florida
My honest advice is that before you can make any positive changes you must first learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are. You can accomplish anything that you can make your mind up to do. Sit down and make a list of all the positive things about yourself. I think you will find a longer list than what you wrote above. Don't follow anyone, you do the leading. Step up, head up, eyes open, mind open and go forward. When you make a mistake, it is okay. Realize what you learned from the mistake, change the steps you took and try again. Surround yourself with positive people and places.

Set specific but attainable and realistic goals with deadlines and then write a plan of the steps you need to take to achieve those goals. Find someone that has some of the same goals you have and work together. Everyone needs a support system, so find a support team for yourself. You can do this, but you have to believe in yourself first, find a way to get and stay motivated next, and continue to strive to do your best each and everyday.
 

Samantha

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Joined
Jan 20, 2016
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10
I think it is commendable that you realize and are able to acknowledge what you see as negative traits that are holding you back. I have a couple comments or questions (and some of these may have been brought up in other responses so I apologize for any repeats.

With regard to number 1, do you not follow them because you are worried about how people will view you or because you think their reasoning or direction is incorrect. If it is because you think their direction is not the correct one, and they truly are great leaders, they will be open to suggestions from anyone within a group. Also, keep in mind, while someone with great leadership skills is "leading" people, they A) at one point were led by someone else and were smart enough to learn what made other leaders good or bad (that in itself is a great reason to follow a great leader, to gain perspective because often times when you are in the lead, you are not able to see a lot of things happening underneath the surface) B) Following a great leader does not mean you are mindlessly doing what they say instead of doing what you think yourself. Nothing is every done by just one person. And the most successful entrepreneurs and leaders know that they have a certain skill set and surround themselves with individuals who have skills they do not possess. So while they may in general lead a team, when it comes to something they are not as adept at, they are essentially being led by the person they entrusted with the other tasks.

IF you are worried about following someone's lead because of how people will view you, you need to start looking out and worrying what other people think and look in and see where you feel you are falling short.

With regard to the second item, I will give you a similar response I gave to someone else. It is possible that you are taking on tasks or jobs that are not fully utilizing your strengths. Taking something like a Gallup strength finder where you can assess your strengths and focus on finding a position that utilizes your strengths may be what re-engages you. When you work on tasks or in a position where you mostly have to use skills that are not in your top strengths it gets tedious, boring and you lose any motivation. So I'd suggest taking some time to look at the jobs you are taking or doing and consider whether it's the right path for you. This is also likely why you have an issue with 5 as well.

Three and four are tied together. You don't want to take risks on new projects because you don't want to make mistakes. But the fact is, not taking risk and making mistakes is the only way you'll grow. You grow when you learn, and you learn by trying something, having it not work, or work, assessing what went right or wrong and then moving forward - but we generally learn the most when something doesn't work as we had planned and find a way to adjust things for a new outcome. In fact, when things DON"T work as planned, then that is usually when innovation takes place - because if we know the outcome, it's likely because someone else already paved the path. If you don't like following someone, you need to make your own path, which means inevitably there will be some mistakes but will lead to greater rewards.

It would probably be of great benefit to you for you to go out and find yourself a mentor, very honest friend or life coach. While you are clearly very good at self-assessing, it would help you immensely to work with someone who is not afraid to call you out on things, give you challenges to move beyond and ensure you complete them. Again, depending on your network, maybe there's a great older successful individual who you would feel comfortable opening up to, or a friend who is not scared to hurt your feelings. Beyond that, the reason a lot of times people do take the route of finding a coach is because while there is a good relationship there, it is a professional one, where the coach is well aware of what the purpose of the relationship is and so is not scared to push you more than a friend might.

Either route, the fact you are looking to make changes I think is great and as long as you take action, you'll be fine.