New Member seeking help with self esteem issues.

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Mar 8, 2018
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#1
Hi everyone.. I found this site while I was on Google trying to find help in boosting my self esteem. I have been struggling with this my entire life, which has led me to unhealthy relationships and losing my ability to believe I am good enough. I am a single mom to a wonderful 15yr old boy. I do have a lot of great things in my life and am very successful. I attend Alanon meetings and I am very involved in the program, but my self esteem is still as bad as the day I walked in. I am so tired of being this way. I literally hide from the camera and get anxiety when people take pictures of me. It shows as well and is embarrassing. I have been told recently by 2 different friends that they think I have bodymorphic disorder and they are probably right. I won't even post a picture of myself without editing it. I was heavier my entire life and as I got older I did lose a lot of weight where people didn't even recognize me or will tell me how different I look, etc., but I still see myself as that childhood girl. I can't live this way anymore. I don't even go on dates, because I am afraid of what guys are going to think of me. I don't know if I was supposed to post all this in here and I'm sorry if I shouldn't have. I am really looking forward to suggestions. Thank you.
 

J E Roberson

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#2
Hello @Serenity21 you came to the right place! First off kudos for seeking answers that is an incredible quality to have. I 'm going to share with you a few suggestions I use personally daily and when coaching clients who experienced low self worth. No matter what got you to this point, these suggestions whole heartedly implemented should help you gain traction toward your goal of feeling greater. I'll start with a tool to address the front line of these undesired thoughts. True is no matter what tactics you try if they don't address negative self talk they will fail. So we must first deal with that voice that says I'm (insert negative self talk), its they same voice that agrees with your friends when they try to label you. This voice is not you, part of you yes. You can watch this voice and hear it meaning its not you in your true self.

For example its late at night as you can't sleep, you have this feeling and voice saying I'm not good enough". Her is what you do anytime this happens.
1. Listen
This voice is not you but an aspect of you what some call an inner child. Think about your 15 year old, when he ask you a question and you ignore it, doesn't he ask again and again and maybe even again louder. When we don't hear ourselves we get more frustrated and start to yell our message more. We want to be heard. We don't often listen to ourselves and still demand others to listen to us. When we listen to us we give this voice a stage to dissipate its energy. Listen for the point the voice is making. The best way I've heard this explain is pretend the voice is going to give you a yelp review for how hospitality you are to it as a guest visitor.

2. Tell yourself what you need to hear. Respond to the voice with comfort tell it exactly what it needs to hear lovingly. If the voice says " you will never change and men don't want you". A response example might be. You are loved by me and I want you. The right partner will be lucky when he finds you". Be a friend to the voice and don't worry you won't go crazy talking to yourself as if another but I do suggest you limit self talk in public :)
Now this is not a quick fix that voice may need comforting for just minutes maybe days or even longer.

3. After completing a conversation session Tap the now. Positive self talk direct at our inner child builds our vibration and now we can lock that energy down which makes it easier to access again. Close your eyes in a room, breath 15 full breaths all in all air out. When done breathing open your eyes and scan the room like its the first time you have seen it. Look for unnoticed things, a chip in the paint, a cool looking color that beams at that time of the day you didn't notice before. Spend another 15 seconds looking for newness in the old. If you happen to be in a new room or public place this looking will be easy.

After and only after you have tools to address the voice can you work on other fronts here are two suggestions below for further battles on self worth.



Lets walk through some things together. To start on equal ground lets define low self worth.
What is worthlessness, what are we up against truly? By definition...

It’s a devaluing of ones self
:having no use, importance, or effect
:having no good qualities.


Step number one is stop comparing. I've found the reason we feel devalued is because of a inaccurate measurement system. Its like getting a scale and weighing currency, saying "okay a quarter is more physical weight than a 100 dollar bill so its worth more." That silly right. It's not the comparison or judgment system for that specific situation. Its easy to use the wrong measurement system on our own lives!

Its far too easy to feel of little value when you are comparing to something. Your comparison can be others, standards you set or standards of others your have taken on. So I want you to examine the standard you are using when feeling worthless.

What are you comparing yourself to? Write it down, write "I am comparing myself to________. " Just knowing this is powerful but I would suggest also making a list of why you are not what you are comparing yourself too. You my friend are a unique expression of the creative power of the universe. You are different for a reason and very very special because of that same reason!!


FAS goal.
F is fun, A is attachable and S is startable, meaning you can get rolling with out any hurdle to starting this week.
Self worth is increased on the path of a heart felt goal. So this goal is not because you are lacking, no you are whole and complete. This goal is to gentle blow on the flame of your heart and start it a blaze. Think about a new skill you would feel better with. Maybe its learning how to style your hair in a new way or being able to stay in a plank pose for x amount of seconds. What ever the skill you seek to acquire make it meaningful if you want any chance of accomplishing it.

Again the goal it self isn't the focus, the focus is on the daily action toward that goal. Take that action with thoughts of the result in mind build worth.

I'll stop here and recap.
1. Stop comparing with a bad comparison system and
2. start a heartfelt goal and focus on the journey of it daily.


This is the by far a best forum of the like on the internet so you will likely get tons of other tips with different perespectives. Find what works for you by actually doing the suggestions, putting in the work.
Hope these are helpful, thank you for having the courage to join me on Earth. Its a jungle here for a soul!

With Love Jason

Questions comments ect don't hesitate to reach out friend.
 

Shaka Lee

New Member
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Mar 8, 2018
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#3
Hello, Serenity21
I love that name, for some reason it just sounds so soothing and warm.
First of all, I'd like to wish you a Happy International Women's Day. I don't know that much about you but I already know that you are an amazing person with a lot to give. Second of all I commend you for coming forward and seeking answers, actually just for acknowledging that you have this issue and you would like to get rid of it. That takes bravery and you definitely are brave for doing this. Thirdly I can tell by the fact that you have a 15 year old son that you must have a lot of patience and understanding. I know that because I have a 15 year old brother, and although we don't share a mother, I know that she is one tough, patient and strong women to have raised him into the boy/man that he is.

So that being said I'm not sure if you are looking for exercises for building up your self esteem or not. In the beginning everything can be very overwhelming.
But I would like to offer you just a little piece of faith for you to carry on with your journey.
You must understand that you are a strong and brave woman. Above all else you have gotten this far in your journey. All I can say is that you have to treat yourself with the same patience and respect that you show towards the other people in your life. Mainly your son. You aren't too hard on him all the time, you understand that he is growing and can make mistakes, you are patient and kind with him. You need to treat yourself with the same amount of patience and above all, respect. This is a big journey to take part in, and you are a beginner. You will slip up, you will have bad days again, and it will be tough. But if you remind yourself that you are doing your best and that this is the beginning of a new and better you then you will have the courage to keep going.

You are loved. Remember that.
Reach out if any of this resonates and you are willing to go deeper.

Keep kicking ass!

-Shaka
 
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#4
hi earlier i also have the same issue what you have written here. trust me due to this i didnt get nice photo because of this. the reason may be what i think is my small height and i feel ashamed off myself and also very ordinary not so beautiful personality. i m writing now all these things because that is not an issue right now. i have overcome these hidden fears now. i have accepted myself as i m and now i m highly enthusiastic when somebody take my photo and my photos are awsome now. may be hidden fear is the reason as in my case. as a blogger i write my experiences, if you wish you can read, maybe somehow it may help you- https://journeyandgoal.blogspot.in/2018/03/Self-Development.html
 

denydritz

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#5
Hi Serenity,

It's great to read that you acknowledge yourself as being very successful, although you struggle with self-esteem issues. Knowing that you have an area (or several areas) of your life that is successful can be a powerful base to build upon as you work to resolve your issues with self-esteem.

Having a poor self-esteem can come from deep roots that go far back (as far back as when you were a child). You mention that you were heavier before, maybe there are a lot of memories and feelings here that still stay with you even though your body has transformed. You also mention that you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which sounds to me as a possible clinical condition, so you may want to think about talking with a licensed professional.

I can't give any suggestions because I need to know more about what you're facing, but you can try the exercises given by J Roberson above and also have the point of view like Shaka Lee writes. It's a first step.

Cheers and I hope this forum can help!