Need Real Friends

GirlIsolated

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Jul 2, 2013
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I am a 20 year old and I have only had friends when I was in elementary. Ever since then I have been a loner watching as others talk and have fun with their friends. I am a shy person but I open up once I know the person I am talking to. I have no car for transportation because of my health and my parents have limited days where they are free to take me place. I would like to make friends I can actually touch and go to places with. What is some advice on making friends you can give me?
 

MoreSuccess

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It sounds like it would be hard to make friends face to face between being shy and limited transportation. Perhaps there are places you can walk, bicycle or take a bus to in order to get around people? Joining some type of group would be good, even a church if you are open to that. The first step to friendships is getting to know people and them multiple times to allow the opportunity for potential friendships. Even if you don't make a "friend", social interactions alone is a good thing.

Also consider online services that get people together of common interests, like meetup.com, and then try to arrange a ride. Or find some local area discussion forums to get involved with, and possibly strike up some friendships with people in your local area even if's just online.
 

GirlIsolated

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There is a girl at my church who went to my high school. She always says hi to me at church and all I say is hi when I would actually like to know her better but my shyness makes it hard for me to take any other action except than just saying hi. What do I do?
 

MoreSuccess

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A really good way to start a conversation is to ask a question that's not excessively personal. Like "Hi, I love your dress, where did you get it?", or "you have anything exciting planned after church?" or "how are you doing today" or "what did you think of the sermon?" or "what do you think of this weather lately?". Then do follow-up questions to their response that shows you heard them and are interested. Work in a sincere compliment if you can. Most people like to talk about themselves and be complimented, it's a good way to make friends so long as what you're saying is sincere. Even if you only get a short response you are breaking the ice and can try something next time with more confidence. Be sure to smile. If you have a hard time with a question, start with simply a compliment rather than a question, like "I love your shoes", it will make her think more highly of you. Or at least shift your "hi" to a "hi, how are you doing?" She may just say "great" and keep walking but you are at least opening the door for her to stop and talk more. Sometimes people have a load on their mind and could use a good listener, if you can be that good listener you can build a friend. Being a good listener is very key to relationships, there are articles out there with specific techniques. Please read http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/active-listening.htm and http://www.personal-development.com/brian-tracy-articles/sharpen-conversation-skills.htm

And also browse through the articles periodically at http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/ looking for topics you find of interest, there are some excellent articles here that have helped many people. The more you improve yourself, the more likely you are to be a good friend to someone.
 

Dan O'Donnell

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May 5, 2015
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Chiang Mai, Thailand
There is a girl at my church who went to my high school. She always says hi to me at church and all I say is hi when I would actually like to know her better but my shyness makes it hard for me to take any other action except than just saying hi. What do I do?
Msuccess gives good advice above. Also, maybe you can also contact this girl on social media, such as facebook. You might feel more comfortable breaking the ice there, and you can continue your conversation in person when you see her. I also agree about msuccess's recommendation about asking a question as a conversation starter.
 

Ricky O' Shea

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May 7, 2015
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I was shy when I was younger, and like you, once you got to know me, there was a lot on offer.. I think it's a phase that most people go through, especially in late teens and early twenties as you have ascended into adulthood, but they generally grow out of it unless they have a shyness related disorder such as social anxiety.

The best advice is to get yourself out there. You don't have to do karaoke in front of an audience. Just find the activities you enjoy and try to find things going on your area relating to these activities. I remember, in my early twenties when I was still a little shy and I was doing my City and Guilds in Sound Engineering. I struggled to really forge strong bonds with everyone in the group but I befriended a guy called Pete. We were on the same wave-length and he is still someone I keep regular contact with, even though we finished the course three or four years ago.

The point is, it's easier to mingle and engage if your doing something you already enjoy. You will have lots to talk about as your all sharing a common interest. I'm sure there would be many activities you enjoy that you can pursue in your local area. It's a two way benefit stress as you get the address your shyness by connecting with people who have similar interests, and you grow in confidence as you will be learning and achieving something new.

The advise of @msuccess is great also. When you ask opended questions, you give the other person you are talking to take the lead, and who doesn't like to get a compliment? A great way to break the ice. All you need to be then is a good listener. And don't panic when there's an awkward silence, no-ones judging you, just get the flow of conversation going again with another complimentary open ended question.

Hope That Helps.
 

madkhaos

Coaching Member
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May 24, 2015
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Msuccess has a good point, always start with a casual, small talk conversation. You want to fill them out to see what kind of person they are and how they react to certain questions. Being compatible and having things in common will let you know what type of friend they could be and how strong your friendship will get. Good luck in your journey, and like they said its almost human nature to be shy due to judgement or social anxiety, but let me tell you that if no one can accept you for who you are and what is going on in your life, then let that be a filter to only find the people who will have an positive impact in your life and be there for you. Were all here to help you if you got any questions or are stuck again, so go get em tiger!
 
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
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You've got some good tips for meeting people and starting conversations, so I won't repeat any of that. :)

But once you meet someone and start the conversation, be curious about what the other person said. Ask open-ended questions. This will help them to feel safe and accepted, which can really help develop a friendship.
 

Patrick Frank

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Dec 15, 2014
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Location
Arden, NC
I am a 20 year old and I have only had friends when I was in elementary. Ever since then I have been a loner watching as others talk and have fun with their friends. I am a shy person but I open up once I know the person I am talking to. I have no car for transportation because of my health and my parents have limited days where they are free to take me place. I would like to make friends I can actually touch and go to places with. What is some advice on making friends you can give me?
 

Patrick Frank

Advisor Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
43
Points
45
Location
Arden, NC
You may tend to be a loner, bjut even loners nees one or two good friends. That is what I would strive for, a small number of freally trusting relationships. I know it's to get the ball rolling, b ut I think that consistency and perseverance in reaching out is very important. On the other hand, too much treaching out can be smothering. Strive for balance in this regard.