Making friends: how do you make lasting friendships?

Jo Edwards

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Sep 16, 2014
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This is another area I focused on for about 8 years. As I've said in my other posts, success usually happens for me right around the time of my biggest failure.

But now that I've had my first taste of success, it's easy enough to see what works for me. I'm posting here because I've tried this approach several times, and I'd like to see if it works for other people.

High Propinquity = friendship
propinquity is the amount of time you spend with someone divided by the average number of days spent apart.

if you spend 1 hour every day for a week, you have higher propinquity than if you spent 7 hours together one day a week.

To earn the right to spend time with people, you have to offer something in return. The best method for offering something to someone is as follows

2 questions
In the last week, what is one thing you enjoyed?
In the last week, what is one chore you had to do that you didn't want to do?

treat + help with a chore = time to build friendship + dependence.

Offer to treat them to one of the things they enjoyed, and offer to help them with the chore. Most people tend to say cleaning something.

when you treat, the person links spending time with you to things they enjoy doing. When you help them with something, they get used to the chore being easier. So when it comes up, they will call you, even if you haven't heard from them in a while.

It takes less than 2 minutes to gather the answers to these questions.

The difficult part about making friends this way is scheduling. Make sure to get names, phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and residences. It's also a good idea to get a sense of the best times to call, and remember to schedule a time to call in your event planner, online calendar, or pda. I've forgotten to call people, and never heard from them again.

Keep in mind that people want to hear from you. Try calling three times a day (once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once after dinner.)

If you do happen to miss a chance to set something up, no worries. Just update them on the news in your life, and they will have something to say to you.

Tips on making specific types of friends.
Join particular organizations. To make friends who enjoy self development, join self-development clubs, go to local seminars, and create your own groups, advertising your weekly meetings on bulitin boards around the city. In about 2 weeks you should start to see an increase in membership.

start to learn the patterns
you will notice what your favorite types of people do. My favorite types of people have struggled with depression. I frequently ask about depression. "Do you know anyone struggling with depression?" I tend to meet people I'm friends with for a long time. This is because I have resources that help out my friends, and I know how they see the world. If you would like to meet a successful person, ask everyone you schedule a meeting with to introduce you to the most amazing person they know. Keep doing this until your life is full of the most successful people.

You'll be surprised at how lonely people are now that socialization is primarily an internet thing. It's funny that we socialize by sitting alone in our room.

PM me if you're interested in having direct updates to my posts. I'll send copies out via e-mail. I haven't set up a group for anyone, but if people want it, I'll go ahead.

Feel free to post your own friendship strategies. We'll all benefit from them.
 

MoreSuccess

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Thanks Jo, some really great ideas here, some being new to me. Being more of an introvert, making friends hasn't always been easy for me. I think so many others are like this too, and need some fresh ideas and strategies to try.
 

Jo Edwards

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I had no friends in high school. Now my phone sometimes doesn't stop ringing. I have more friends than I knew what to do with. I just sit down and like magic people are like, "we should hang out". At some point it will be easier to have a huge party than to try and hang out with everyone.
 

Danielki

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Oct 8, 2015
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Norwich, UK
For me lasting friendships are built on trust, honesty, unconditional love and respect.

There are different levels of friendship.

You could be friends with someone for years and that be lasting but still have no more than a surface level relationship them. You could also be friends with someone no longer than a week and feel like you've know them your whole life.

Trust = Congruency + time. If someone's behaviour or way of being doesn't dramatically change over time and by all accounts they appear to be the person they are claiming to be, then trust will be present in the relationship.

Honesty = When people see you interacting with the world in an honest way, with your communication being free of ambiguity, full of authenticity and integrity, you will appear honest.

Unconditional love = When someone screws up, most people would laugh at them, get angry or display any manner of other negative emotions related to how that person has fallen short but when you don't, remain calm and tell that person it's alright, it'll be OK, they'll know you love them beyond their shortcomings.

Respect = When you listen to someone, don't make fun of their thoughts, ideas, views or opinions, treat them like the rare, wonderful and unique being that they are, then they'll know that you respect them.

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care" I've always liked that saying.