Kindly ask for advice after break up

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by tarotaro, Jan 15, 2018. Replies: 8 | Views: 163

  1. tarotaro

    tarotaro New Member

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    I'm 27 years old ,working as an accountant. I met A. in March 2017 through a mutual friends. We been talking since then and started going out since late April. We been going out for around 9 months now. A. divorced around 2 years ago .A is 37 . He dated his ex wife for 5 years and divorced after 5 years after marriage . The marriage ended real bad and A is still traumatized about the process of divorced and alimony money that he has to pay her. He is still paying her now , around 50 k per year. I don't mind all of it . I knew its not a smart decision to date someone with so much emotional damaged through past marriage .But I processed it anyway because I like A. a lot and I somewhat think that everyone is able to get a fresh start .

    A. asked me when we started dating that what do I want ?I told him I'm looking for someone to get marriage and have kids with. First he was hesitated and told me that is not what he is looking for right now . So I was fine with it and did not contact him .A week later ,we contacted me and started asking me out again.So I assumed that he thought it thro and wanted a new start with me .We been going non stop since then for 9 months till last night. Recently , I hinted here and there about long term commitment so he can think about it . The night before last night i kinda told him thro text message .Last night he told me he wanted to ended it because he thinks we are not in the same page . I want marriage and kids .and he is not sure what he wants in life in general. He said he is kinda back on forth in the thought of getting marriage again and have kids.He needs personal space now. I did not say anything .I just sit there and cry while he was going on bla bla bla explaining himself . I walked him out of my front door and I started crying loudly after closing that door. I dont know what to do . I experienced a heart break for a first time .For my past relationship , I was the one afraid of commitment .I was the one that broke it up with people .I cried for the whole night and did not sleep .I came in to work this morning like a zombie and I cannot focus on working .I keep checking my phone if he texts me like usual .

    I spend every weekend with him .We talk almost everyday .We travel and go places together .What I am going do now ? What if i cannot find someone that I get along that much and have much mutual interest ...someone very kind and caring like him . I start questioning myself if I did something wrong ...I feel this is like karma to me for what I did to my ex boyfriends. I did not concern about them after I broke with them while they were firmly wanted to have a family with me . I was heartless and its now my pay back ? Does the chance to meet men that wanted to settle with me with come back or that is all for me ?

    Please give me some advice and share some of your experience . I am not thinking very clear now .Thank you
     


  2. dennmart

    dennmart Member

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    When I was in my 20s, I was in a relationship for over four years when my then-girlfriend decided to suddenly break up with me after one argument. We rarely argued about anything and when we did we would usually find a compromise quickly, so I was taken aback by the sudden break-up. I discovered a few days later that she had been forming her own relationship with one of her close friends. This really hit me hard. I spent a good 3-4 months just in pure sadness. It was made especially difficult because in the midst of all of this, I still maintained a friendship with my now ex-girlfriend. Why I did that, I have no idea, but I think back then I was probably thinking that I could "win her back', regardless of what she did.

    I had all the same thoughts as you. I kept replaying that silly argument over and over in my head, wishing that I could have just taken it all back. I didn't know what I would spending my time doing now that I didn't have her in my life. I kept on thinking about all the fun times we had, and I wondered if I would never have those fun times again. I didn't know if after 4 years I even remembered how to date someone new again.

    I wish I could give you one trick that will help you deal with this but I don't have any. What happened with me is that after those 3-4 months passed, I slowly began to let go of what was making me sad and I started to get back to my normal self. I cut all communication with her. I stopped thinking about the argument that caused the break-up because it was already done (and I know she used that as an excuse to break up because she wanted to be with someone else). I got a new hobby to occupy my time. Eventually, I started going out again and eventually met my now-wife. Things turned out a lot better because of that break-up.

    Of course, I couldn't see it at the time - no one can predict the future, but you need to trust that things will eventually get better. The saying "Time heals all wounds" is 100% accurate - you have to trust that. I know it's difficult to take this advice, especially at this time, but I've seen it work over and over again. It will work for you, I'm certain.

    If you want to chat more about it, feel free to reach out.
     
  3. tarotaro

    tarotaro New Member

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    Thank for your respond. I feel better after 16 days. I saw him 3 days ago in weekend so we can give each other stuff back . It was a silliest idea ever .We ate lunch , got tea, watched movie in the theater and ate dinner then we gave each other stuff back .We did not discuss about it but I know its over .He did not open the door for me , he did not touch me ...so I know he is very clear about being friends.I was silly .I should not remain friend with him or saw him again.Making it harder for me to move on . Im in a mix stage now . I cannot see myself being with someone else .I woke up in the middle of the night and i thought about him .It just hits me random . I never thought love can hit me this bad .I feel physical pain all over me everyday ....
     
  4. Derek Lynch

    Derek Lynch New Member

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    tarotaro,

    I've been through 6 breakups. Emotional pain is literally the most excruciating I've ever known. Food doesn't taste as good, colors seem dull, humor seems flat.. just stop caring about some things for a while. The heart being in pain literally weighs tons and we can't even function properly.

    I apologize for another cliche statement, but TIME WILL HEAL your pain, I'm not exaggerating or trying to irritate you with cliche statements. Through my experiences and watching other people go through certain things, after time, I've never heard anyone tell me "it hurts just as bad as it did a year ago". UNLESS you CHOOSE to stay in that part of your life and dwell on what happened and refuse to move forward.. then that'll be on your lap.

    The funny thing about life is when we are NOT looking for someone, that is often times when we DO find them.

    I literally met my current fiance at random. Wasn't looking for anyone at the time. I had been trying to heal from the worst breakup of my life. I thought about my ex every single damn day for an entire year. A photo, a song, a place, a sound, a smell, someone's face, someone who has two young kids, the type of car she drove, the city she lived in, the foods she liked.... there was always something to remind me of her every day for a whole year. However, I'm not saying the pain was always the same.

    I was taught many years ago we know we're finally getting over someone once we finally arrive at a full 24 hours without thinking about that person.

    You WILL get through this. Not a single doubt in my mind. The pain may be fresh, but EVERYONE in our lives is there to teach us lessons. Whether good or bad, they're around for a reason. Many people will come and go. It's the ones that have a HUGE lesson to teach us that stick around for a long time or cause us a lot of pain but the most important thing is to LEARN from the experience as opposed to just becoming extremely bitter about it.

    I hope you've enjoyed this read and I hope it helps!

    If you'd like to hear more in the future please check out my website at http://riseaboveitglobal.net thanks!
     
  5. tarotaro

    tarotaro New Member

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    Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience . Its exactly what I am going thro right now.This is my first heart break . I hope one day i wake up and i can be free not thinking of him..I will try to let time heal ...
     
  6. Derek Lynch

    Derek Lynch New Member

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    You are truly very welcome! I'm very happy that what I said made a difference for you. You'll get through this, I know you will!
     
  7. tarotaro

    tarotaro New Member

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    Helleo Derek and Dennmart ,
    Its has been 25 days since we broke up .I did not feel better .I still sudden wake up in the morning around 4 ot 5 am , thinking about him , feeling so sad then I cry . I start feeling sad and depressed now . I tried to distract myself ,even going with other person but none of it seems working for me .
     
  8. dennmart

    dennmart Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that it's still tough. I really wish there was a secret to getting over this and feeling better immediately, but sadly there isn't. Like I mentioned in my comment (and Derek as well), it takes months to get through a situation like this. But it will pass, guaranteed.

    One thing to note is that even though you might not realize it, you're taking steps to move forward by finding things to occupy your time and even trying to go out with others. Even if those things didn't have instantly improve the way you're feeling, the fact that you're taking those steps means a lot in the recovery process. In my personal situation, for the first couple of months I didn't even want to deal with finding something to distract me, much less going out again. That's a small win, in my opinion.

    Hope you start feeling positive changes coming sooner rather than later. As I mentioned, reach out to me if you feel like chatting more about it.
     
  9. tarotaro

    tarotaro New Member

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    Hi Dennmart ,

    Thank you for your respond. I been reading a lot to let go and accept the concept about love of a Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh said about love " you should love someone in the way they feel free " . I feel good when I read book and short article but then when I am alone again , i think about it in the raw emotion way . I one read that emotion is healthy . We should have emotion but we have to learn how to control it ...Now the more i think about it , the root of the problem was I am not happy with my life right now .Im not happy with the career path that i choose .I don't like my job filed .I am not happy with the pay . All of it comes at one . Im thinking about changing my whole life , not only about love life . ..

    How can I reach out for you ? My email is uyenhoang2410@gmail.com
    Thank you
     

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