I want kids but my girlfriend doesn't want them... what should I do?

A

amaninlove43

Guest
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 8 months now and I’ve been thinking of popping the question.

However, I feel like I have to hold back for a bit… when I started talking with her about

having a family, she show disinterest in having kids. We were having fun and talking about

having 3 kids but then she followed it with “having kids are troublesome,

I honestly don’t want to have any…”


I was taken aback, I had asked her more about it but she just shrugged it off saying that

she just doesn’t want them. I made it clear with her that I want to have kids.

So now I am wondering if we are still on the same page as when we started…

we are both dating with intentions of marriage, but with the current discussion it’s almost

like it might not work out.


When I first met her through a singles tour, she was really charming (still is) and

she made it clear that she wants to find that one person to spend the rest of her life with.

But because we never talked about having kids whatsoever, now that it happened,

I am surprised. What should I do? I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her

but I want to have a family… I really need help, please!
 

dennmart

Advisor Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2018
Messages
25
Points
30
Location
Osaka, Japan
I think you both need to have a more serious conversation with each other about it. You mention that she showed disinterest in kids and made a couple of comments about it, but it doesn't sound like you're certain she meant what she did or not since you brought up the topic in an off-hand type of way. That really isn't enough to get to the root of the issue on both sides. So make some time to bring up the topic in a more serious manner and take it from there.

If you both are at a stalemate (you absolutely want kids, she absolutely doesn't), then the only way around it is to find some compromise. There has to be a reason why she feels the way she does and made those comments, so that's something you both need to work at. There has to be a reason why she made those comments. It could be something external, like she sees friends/family with kids and how busy they are making her think kids are troublesome. Or it could very much be internal, like her having fears of once she has children, all of the things she dreamed about doing will disappear forever. Whatever it is, you should help her through those reasons.

In the same vein, this isn't all about trying to change her way of thinking, though. You sound resolute in having children - you need to figure out if not having kids is something you're willing to accept. If she is 100% certain she will never have children and won't change her mind, would you be able to work through the possibility of never having a child with her?

If you both aren't on the same page with this early on, it'll be almost impossible to have a happy marriage down the road, to be honest - regret and remorse on both sides, regardless of what decision is made, will eventually corrode the relationship.
 

whitelotus

Advisor Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2017
Messages
23
Points
27
Location
Ontario, Canada
If you have a real sit down, serious conversation about it and it is clear that she doesn't want children, I would take a break from the relationship. This I imagine is a deal breaker for you, and if you're not sure if it's a deal breaker, I would definitely take some time off the relationship to assess what this means for you. If you decide to marry her anyway and then resent her for not having children down the road, it won't be a good thing. Likewise, if she doesn't want children and has them for your sake she might very well resent you and it won't be good for your family. I know it's very painful but this really is the best thing for you both. I say definitely have a serious conversation about it and then if you aren't on the same page take a big break from the relationship to think and reach a decision.
 

J E Roberson

Senior Advisor
Joined
Jun 9, 2014
Messages
284
Points
252
Location
Colorado USA
So true @dennmart and @whitelotus this has to be faced head on.

@amaninlove43 We are over a month or so after this post Did you pop the question yet? Although you may be through this cross road and I totally agree with the previous post 2 things I wanted to add because these threads usually solve challenges for way more than the writer.

Compromise never leads to happiness. It is erroneous to think we can give away a desire and feel okay with the empty space. When we are willing change for the right people and situation no compromise is even needed. It becomes natural shifting of the current love energy to grow the group energy.

Second after a few TED talks this week I found out one of the largest, statically speaking, feelings of lose, failure and regret was of those well accomplished people who choose not to have kids. There is no bigger Human regret according to the humans who sacrifice that desire for others or a career.