I have a block that I want to get rid of

Discussion in 'General Self Improvement' started by Shaka Lee, Mar 8, 2018. Replies: 1 | Views: 132

  1. Shaka Lee

    Shaka Lee New Member

    Mar 8, 2018
    Likes Received:
    Model, Traveling
    Toronto originally, Hawaii currently
    Hello all,

    I'm still a fresh member - first day here - and I came here after I had kind of a rough morning. After some deep thought on the matter, I thought I'd be brave and ask for some guidance.

    I've always been an emotional person. My father raised me as a child and he was a very open and sensitive man, and allowed me to always show my feelings when I needed to. He considered crying a great form of release. I certainly took that to heart because I naturally became known as "that girl who cries all the time" between friends and at school. The smallest insult would send me into a whirlwind of tears.

    Overtime I believe they have become sort of a security blanket. When I get in an uncomfortable situation, get asked a question that I don't know the answer to (in school, or in some of my personal relationships) I've been known to shed some tears in a kind of manipulating way. Thinking, they'll see how sad I am and drop it. That's how I started to get out of things. Crying so that the other person will reverse their attitude and try to cheer me up and make me feel better. It took me years to realize that I even did that.

    On the flip side I've noticed that in certain situations where my father didn't want to admit his wrong doings, or explain himself or change his mind on a topic he would throw a little fit. He'd have a burst of anger that would easily silence all forms of discussion. I would certainly feel it as a sensitive child and I became weary of his temper, not wanting to upset him I would rarely challenge him. Thus, inadvertently assuming that he was always right about everything. Plus aren't parents always right? Ha, if only I knew back then.

    On top of that my father would always sing my praises. Thinking that he single-handedly raised a wonder child. A girl who was wise beyond her years and so talented. He saw that through home-schooling me I was good at learning and I was a natural dancer. This gave him the idea that I was this perfect specimen of a human and I could do no wrong. He had high expectations of me from then on, he would tell teachers that I needed more advanced class placement (he stuck me in gifted classes in high school based on his word that I was gifted). He pushed me to get on the Honour Role and go above and beyond on all my tests and projects, furthering his notion that I was his little genius.

    When he would try and teach me things he had very specific instructions on how to achieve these things, and he believed that if I followed his instructions word for word I would never fail. Therefore he began be to tough on me when I made mistakes. He would allow one mistake but he was famous for saying learn from your mistakes, never make the same one twice. This made me quite afraid of failure from a very young age. I thought that I must naturally be good at everything I do and try. He was also slightly impatient. Maybe not at first with me, but I could see his impatience at others and I made the connection that soon he would be impatient with me if I could not get something done perfectly in a timely matter. Unconsciously I developed a sense of pressure against myself. A competitive nature to be the best, the fastest, the most detailed. I didn't like losing, failing or giving up. I knew that anything I couldn't do right the first time was essentially a failure. I knew my dad would be disappointed in me unless I was the best.

    Yes, a lot of that was in my head. But I began to take that thought process on with me as an adult. He trusted that I could make my own decisions once I moved out at 18 and I rarely asked him for any help. I was working full time, doing my own taxes, living in an apartment, paying bills, grocery shopping and doing my own laundry straight out of high school. I didn't ask my father for money or for help. I wanted him to be impressed with how well I did as an adult. I purposely didn't tell him when I lost my phone twice in a bar, or when I got my purse stolen along with all my important documents. I knew how disappointed he would be in me for something as stupid as that. He hated when I was stupid.

    So now, my father has passed away (this passed summer) and I'm beginning to come face to face with all the blocks that I've been dealing with and essentially where they come from.

    Now I'm afraid to challenge myself, because as soon as I start making mistakes in anything I'm starting to learn, I get hard on myself. I get angry with myself. I'm mad, I cry, I throw a tantrum (in my case it all comes out in tears). I stick to it, fight through my tears to master what I'm learning and then I feel accomplished. But I put myself through hell and back just trying to learn a new skill. If someone tries to correct something I'm doing it immediately shoots my self esteem way down and I get so hard on myself until I just feel like giving up because I'll never get better at it.

    I haven't even learned how to drive because I'm afraid at the emotions that I'll have to face when I make a small mistake, or if I fail my test. My dad tried to teach me driving at 14 years old and he became so impatient and harsh with me for making small errors that as soon as I burst out into tears the lesson was over and I have barely tried since.

    It's a shame that he never knew how this affected me, and how I'll never be able to tell him any of this. Even if I did, I think he would blame me for seeing it this way, as he would never take the blame for something like this.

    So now I'm wondering how to move forward. I've finally dug down to the base of this emotional block. And now I want to navigate getting rid of it. Becoming easier on myself. Letting myself make mistakes and not have such a hard time dealing with the process.

    I recently decided that I wanted to take up guitar, and already in my first couple times sitting down to try to learn some chords I've ended in tears because of how hard it is and now I don't want to do it anymore. I'm scared of taking on bigger challenges in life like starting a business or learning other things because of this block. I always feel like I'm a disappointment unless I am perfect at it.

    I do realize how crazy I sound but I'd appreciate some sound advice on the matter.

    Thank you for those who have reached the end of this.

  2. J E Roberson

    J E Roberson Senior Advisor

    Jun 9, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Spiritual/Personal Growth Advocate
    Colorado USA
    Hi @Shaka Lee, I applaud your bravery in sharing such a personal experience. First off my condolences for the loss of your father from Earth.

    Of course all answers lie within ourselves so I wanted to p0int you toward the emotional and spiritual path that should yield the results you seek. Your self awareness is amazing and as ancient wisdom tells us "knowing thy self" is the first step toward freedom. We all are multi-facet beings and the language you use to describe your experience shows you have started to bring some of the shadow of yourself into the light. The best moments in life can be the moments like you had when you say something like "I didn't even know I was doing that".

    So you have some qualities picked up from your experience with your father. These qualities are neither good nor bad but it seems they may no longer serve you. It also seems like the emotions around some of this behavior may also be things its time to release. The answer lies in 2 parts first within meditation, 2nd with self affirmation. What I mean by meditation for our purpose is a quiet environment with a breathing focus. Just sit and breath deeply in and out. If thoughts arise go back to the breath focus. If you are not currently meditating start with a 3- 5 minute clock to began and work up a minute or so daily. The purpose of this is to calm all thoughts and allow a stage for the part of yourself in question to shine. This is not a relaxing meditation it is a intention to listen to internal thoughts and their fears.

    Shine means the aspect you are targeting gets to bathe in your Love (attention with no judgement). Loving aspects of ourself allows them to release their duties which are always duties to protect us.

    The 2nd part of the transformation you will induce comes from affirmations in the form of appreciation for the specific version of Shaka Lee.
    With pen and paper write a thank you letter to the qualities you are questioning from the perspective of those qualities's purpose fro you. This allows self love and with effort merges internal entities. Remember, the love the energy behind theses actions have for you is intense, be thankful. Here is an example of the perspective of the letter.

    Give this aspect of yourself a fun name. Here is an example

    Thank you Captain Shaka Lee for your love and protection. You make me cry as a strategy to get out of tough situations, you are so cunning. You stop me from taking on dangerous things like driving so I wont experience disappointment. You push me toward your picture of perfection and give me the competitive nature to follow through. Thank you. You kept my secrets when I lost my purse and you are like a best friend with advice to make sure my father thought I was responsible. Although I don't need your protection anymore I love you for your effort. You are free to stay as long as you like. I will no longer need your efforts but You are loved and I will never force you to go....

    The point is healing the pain in which created those habits with love and light. Comfort for the sacred and scared inner child. Once you finish your letter you can commit it to memory in concept not so much verbatim. During meditation and during they day when that specific voice arises, use your loving words to internally create a safe space. This is simple but not easy so your effort is the main factor here. You also seem to have an opportunity to make some quantum. shifts if you utilize the 2nd law of thermodynamics but i'll leave that for another time this is a lot already to take on but I know you can if you decide to.

    If you choose this path, you can keep my posted I am an advocate for all on an advance path of personal and spiritual growth
    Love and light,


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