i found a problem that is hindering my growth

Discussion in 'General Self Improvement' started by qqq123, Nov 30, 2017. Replies: 5 | Views: 117

  1. qqq123

    qqq123 Member

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    i have recently seen a problem in myself. i have a set of values and principles that is made according to years of thinking, reading psychology and philosophy books, and using the internet as a source of wisdom and self growth. i am only 20 years old and most people my age aren't as psychologically developed as me. some things are clear to me. so clear that they don't need an explanation (i once had it but forgot it). i also believe that most things we think that are right, we just feel them, and after that we try to explain to ourselves why. things like "we like different stuff. there is no reason to judge someone because they enjoy something different. except if it's hurting someone else" (there are extremely few exceptions to this). many people my age don't understand this and judge, bully, drag down people that simply like something different, or hold no interest for what others like. another one would be "bullying is wrong. insulting and raging at people is wrong. seeking revenge is fine" - many of the people i know think it's fine to bully/insult others as long as you have a reason to do so. "you can't like this because it's childish", "you can't like this because it's against the norms".

    some years ago, i used to feel a lot of anger, envy, need for revenge, need for attention, need to prove myself superior, feeling of perfection. i spent a lot of time overcoming those emotions. for example now i don't feel envy anymore. i simply don't. it simply feels natural not to feel it. i can't understand why would i feel it. the most of what i feel of it is that i want things that others have, but i hold no resent, no hate, no negative feelings towards that person i just strive to get that thing if i want it. and when someone that is envious of others asks me how i do it, i don't really know what to tell them except "there is no reason for envy, just strive to get better. that person might have been lucky, but life is unfair. all that matters is you giving your best. because that is the only thing that can actually change things. focus on the solution, not the problem". but this can't make them overcome the feeling.

    and there are so many other things. the problem is that i find myself in an uncomfortable place whenever someone says something i feel is wrong, but can't explain in words why. i also can't explain why i think i'm right in words. i spend so much time and energy on the contradiction between me and ungrown people that i barely have time and energy to focus on my further growth. how do you guys solve this?

    whenever someone is insulting me for something i know why is right, i don't flinch, doubt, feel anger or anything but pity for them not understanding. but when someone is insulting me for something i feel is right but can't really explain why.. i start doubting. and in order to solve the doubt i spend a lot of time.

    i believe that i am using so much time on trying to figure out how to explain my values because most people i know have different values. and it's hard to not be able to at least try to make them understand me, while also helping them grow.

    i also don't really know how to treat people that insult me for having different beliefs. if i start to explain my values, they start to realize how shitty their way of thinking and their life is, and i don't really like it. if they are not capable of growth, my words can only hurt them. but sometimes my pride takes over and i make them feel like childs who don't understand anything.

    what advice do you guys have for me?
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2017
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  2. msuccess

    msuccess Administrator Staff Member

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    Yeah I have this issue sometimes as well, where I'm reluctant to even talk about certain things, especially in regards to my philosophies and spiritual beliefs. Most people cling very strongly to their current beliefs and will defend them at all costs. I'll sometimes get into it if a person seems interested and open minded, but the moment they start trying to disprove my position or act real skeptical, I decide it's time to just change the subject. I just think to myself I have no reason at all to convince them. Often it seems the only chance you have is drop a few powerful questions or concepts maybe they haven't thought about before. Maybe they mull it over for awhile and bring it up later. I mostly got rid of envy as well over the years, but the ego is a harder one to tamper down on. When someone says we are wrong then we naturally want to prove we are right, it's like automatic. But sometimes you realize you're trying to convince them not because it matters, but because you want to be right. You have to think "I have nothing to prove to this person, forget it", and end on a positive note like "good discussion, we may not agree but you made some great points". That makes their ego feel better without saying you think they are right. And you come across as confident in your own beliefs without caring that others agree.
     
  3. Umach

    Umach Member

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    @qqq123

    After reading you post, lots of thing went through my mind. I remembered when i was of your age. My friends circle, classmates etc.
    Whatever little i could understand, few points from me.

    1. Its OK to be different. That's perfectly fine.
    In fact, if we could look into internal feelings and thoughts of people, everyone thinks he is unique. And that is true also.
    On top of that, as you have rightly mentioned, every thinks they are right in their current mind set.

    Often the level of consciousness is different. This consciousness level is greatly influenced by society,family background, upbringing, habits, mental aptitude and attitudes,intelligence, genetics etc. To reach a level above envy,pride, greed,anger is very good, but to maintain oneself there despite of provoking situation is great. (a symptom of saints :) )

    2. Make close friends with whom you can open up.
    Friends doesn't mean you people have to agree on each and everything. A underlying trust is sufficient. Talk with them. Spend time with them. Go for small tours, trekking etc. talk with them on light matters, laughing and joking.

    If you think you are right (and yes, not hurting anyone, including yourself) , no need to be sorry to anyone. If people understand you, fine, else let them grow up. Sooner of later, you will find your like minded group of people.

    Above , he has given very good way to tactically handle "uncomfortable situations".

    Regards
    Umach
     
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  4. Ricardo Ortiz

    Ricardo Ortiz Advisor Member

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    I don’t know if I carry the best advice for you but as a clinician I have seen over the years many people with different norms, beliefs, customs and ways of thinking. How Have I survived not getting angry because I will tell you I have come across many with odd ways of seeing life and living it. One thing that has helped me is to respect their point of view and ask myself this question “Are they happy?” If they are and are not harming anyone then I am content and don’t feel bother. So I will tell you “are you happy?” The way you treat others if not then it’s time to do some introspection.

    Best

    Ricardo O.
     
  5. qqq123

    qqq123 Member

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    that is right. but you are implying that it's a general truth that harming others is wrong. but what if i harm someone that is not understanding, by simply having a different opinion? i do believe that they are ignorant in this case and i am not in the wrong. i also believe that we should treat others with respect and kindness. even if they are on a very wrong way. use violence or be verbal aggressiveness only if it's the only way to stop them (or if it would take too much energy and time to do otherwise).

    we can't impose our values to others. but what if our values is that we need to respect one another and be kind? can we not say that people who are disrespectful and harm others are wrong?

    what if by respecting someone's values you harm yourself or someone else? you should not respect that value.

    what if you harm someone amoral by being moral? you make him feel bad or hurt them in order to stop them. but you are moral. are you in the wrong?

    we can respect an opinion without agreeing to it. but what if, let's say someone is racist. i simply can't respect that opinion. it is wrong in every aspect. how could i respect an opinion that goes far against morality?

    this is a paradox that can be solved only if we assume there is a general truth. that it's generally true that we humans need to be understanding and kind to each other and respect one another. and that if someone does not respect those values, it's impossible to not harm them at all. we can't respect one's opinion if his opinion represents harming or disrespecting others.

    what do you believe about this?
     
  6. Umach

    Umach Member

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    Morality is a relative term which changes with time, place, circumstances, people, culture. Its not absolute. Hence, one moral value which is correct in one place or circumstances may not be correct in other. So, there is no point in fighting for that to prove "who" right.

    Defending the safety of oneself and the family is absolutely fine, but to resort to violence or abuse just because there is mental disagreement is definitely not correct.

    Other may/may not respect us or our thoughts or moral values, its their freedom. We have control and rights over ourselves only.

    Over the years, i have found that its only love in heart which "really" help us to win people. Every action we take, we should think, am i doing it due to my own ego or selfish motive or do i really care about welfare of this person. Beware, mind is too cunning. It can give you 1000 reasons to do bad and harmful things, but your heart knows what is correct and beneficial .

    Believe me people are as good as your are, are struggling, afraid of loosing/uncertainty , the way we all are.

    Many times, when i have differences with my colleagues or other people, i look on that person from a distance and try to imagine his family, his wishes,fears, ambitions. almost always, i see myself in that person, probably would i have been in that position, may be i could have said or thought the same way.

    So, with this mindset when i approach that person next time, it changes everything. It doesn't mean to compromise our values, but we are much clearer what is correct thing to do, not bothered about "who" is right.

    Regards
    Umach
     

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