How do you know if he's the one?

Edwin Low

Jun 2, 2016
I don't think the question is 'how do you know if he's the right one'.

I think it's really more about, how do you know if you are the right for him/her. Because, you have to figure out your side of the puzzle piece first before you can fit it with his/her puzzle piece - so who are you really? And what do you really want?

People often ponder about this question from time to time but never really answer it fully. I don't blame them. I mean, it's a very overwhelming question.

It's like asking "So what's your plan for the next 30 years?"

Personally I don't even know what's happening next week.

So I would break the question of self identity down to 5 smaller parts, it's easier to comprehend this way. I break it down into: health, wealth, love, joy and purpose.

Here is a diagram for the visual learners. :)
The first one is heath. For this part (or pillar), you should ask yourself, what do you think about health? How important is it to you? How are you going to maintain good health? Then when you figure these out, you can match it with your guy - what does he think about health? Do you two place a similar level of urgency on health? Would have to force him to go jogging with you in the future? Ideally a similar outlook on health would be great and you can do all the fitness couple photos, if you want.

Next up is wealth! How much do you want to earn and how are you going to earn it? How important is money to you? Are you going looking to earn big or do you want to settle with a simple lifestyle? Keep in mind that financial freedom will take a lot of work and sacrifice, but it might just be what you want to fight for - so are you going to be understanding if he works a lot overtime hours to bring financial freedom for the family? Something to think about.

The 3rd pillar is love. The question here is: how important are relationships to you? Do you tend to be dependent, independent or interdependent? (hint: you want to work towards interdependency.)

The important thing about relationships is to know that the focus should be on the quality of the relationship and not the quantity, because your happiness will not be ultimately defined by how many friends or family you can hang out with, rather it will depend on whether you can rest assured that someone will be there for you when you need it the most. < Very important.

The 4th pillar is joy and it's about activities that make you happy. What do you do that gives you the most fun and focus? Do you like adventure or do you like activities that are more laid back? What brings you happiness may not be the specific activity, but the feeling or the movements within the activity itself. Figure this out about yourself and then match it with your guy. Moving on.

The last pillar is about purpose meaning what's the contribution you would like to make while you are alive on earth. What do you think about doing good for the sake of other people? Do you think it's important? What contributory efforts are you going to make and commit to as your higher goal? Because helping other people is one of the human needs, you need it for a sense of fulfilment.

And there it is - the 5 components that you need to know about yourself first before going to find a boyfriend. Because even if he's rich and hardworking with a steady job he may not be the one for you. There is no one size fit all in terms of boyfriends. (Literally - wink*)

He may not match your 5 pillars but whether that's okay or not is really up to you. How closely should a couple match their ambitions is a subjective matter.

Oh and the other thing you need to note is this:

Most of the time, people think lowly of themselves. They have a poor capacity for self love and so they can't love themselves for who they are because they think they are fundamentally flawed, or sinned.

(This is especially prominent in females - maybe because of social conditioning or because they always have to put make up on or something.)

People with low self-worth seeking relationships would go out and love other people so other people will love them back and only then because people love them will they be able to love themselves.

"Because you like me, then I must be worthy of being liked. So then yes I can like being me."

When you come from this mentality of low self worth, you think that you are fundamentally flawed and that it's impossible for someone to actually love you. So when someone says he loves you, you would ask him to prove it.

"I don't believe you, show me that I can be loved. Prove it."

So then he would do so by buying you expensive gifts, or planning extravagant dates and be constantly around you etc.

And then when he finally proves his love to you, you move on to your next worry - how long are you going to be able to keep this love. So you do all you can to please them and make sure they stay.

What this ends up causing, is your boyfriend to become someone other than himself to prove his love to you and you to become someone other than yourself to keep him.

This results in a relationship between two people - both living a life that's not true to themselves.

This is a highly unstable state. As time passes your partner will revert back to his real self. And when that happens, you say:

"You've changed."

And all hell breaks loose.

So understand that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You can start to love yourself by focusing on the the qualities you have and the work you do. Also focus on what your gift is - that is, what talent are you born with.

And before you start protesting about how you don't have talent and all that, let me set this straight: everybody is born with a talent. Everybody.

You think you aren't talented because you haven't looked properly. Period.

So focus on your talent. Then use your talent to help other people.

You're self worth will go up. And you will probably attract the boyfriend you want anyway by your actions and by who you are.

Let me know what you think guys!

I would love to hear your thoughts about this matter.