How can i change


New Member
Aug 4, 2015
I struggle alot with getting close to people. Im insecure avoidant. I constantly feel as though i need people to show that they care for me and if i feel like they don't for care me, i cut them off. I need constant reassurance or I distance myself. I dont know what to do because i feel like im losing the person if they dont reassure me. What can i do to change this insecurity as its making me feel lonely.


Senior Advisor
Staff member
May 28, 2011
California, USA
Perhaps you've tried this already, but it helps a lot to focus on the other person, showing how you care about them and are interested in them. Try to make it real, become truly interested in uncovering more about the person and their interests. Look for common interests. People tend to care more about someone who cares about them, and has common interests. You will only discover those common interests if you dig and learn more about the other person.

Also, keep in mind that most people have similar or worse insecurities. They are shy, not expressive, selfish, etc. As such, if they don't show interest in you, it's often not about you, but rather about them. They may need to build trust in you first.

There are many great books and authors to read which have tips and techniques in building greater self esteem. That has been a long journey for me, it takes time. We have some good articles by Chuck Gallozzi at which I recommend.

You're not alone, I still have similar challenges at times, feel free to message me anytime you want to chat.


Aug 7, 2015
I believe this will continue to be an issue for you until you find your own value. No one can reassure you of your value except you. When you have been able to truly identify your uniqueness and what value you hold, people will see it in you and you won't require their affirmation. Spend some time making a list of what you see in yourself that is important to you. Then ask yourself what you want others to see in you. Your next step is becoming that person you identified. How can you be more_______, of the person you want to be?