Disconnected from my fiance of 5 years....

Chara

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Nov 1, 2015
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Hi, I am, soo new to all this so forgive me please if I don't make much sense although I am going to try my best. I am also a little skeptical about even posting this, but I need as much advice as I can get right now for those who understand what it is like women and men... to feel like you no longer are desired in a relationship that you have invested so much time, love and energy in. Well, my story is a bit different and I am hoping that someone on here can relate because I am with a man who is 19 years older than me who also has a disability. Me & my fiancé of almost 4 years now have been a couple for a little over 5 years now. He is 48 and I am 30. He will be turning 49 in March , no it doesn't bother me that he is much older than me because we get along as friends so well and the age thing really never bothered me. Okay so , I am going to get straight to the point about the problem that me have been having. He is considered a quadriplegic, he needs a walker or wheelchair to get around but he never uses his wheelchair, he actually does very good for someone who almost lost their life 22 years ago. He is doing much better now ever since his wreck & is very fortunate to be where he is now anyways when we first got together the sex was amazing because well.. he is very blessed in size, had gained his sex drive back omg he was just like any normal person to me the way he knew exactly what to do , one of the few things that he gained back were soo much feeling in that but also in his whole entire body he has feeling. He has very bad muscle spasms , pain, still has other issues. Besides that he has been ,my superman ever since we got together and I fell n love with his personality and looks. He helped ,me get out of a very abusive relationship. When we first got together and even two years into our relationship after we were engaged he knew how to make me happy. He was into taking me out to eat every night and buying me sexy outfits , I would wear them gladly because I wanted to please him and I also liked the attention from him. I was always his princess and the sexiest thing to him. I started to get use to the compliments, I loved him still do but all them compliments stopped and the sex stopped after almost 3 years. I admit I was drinking a lot and going out with friends more than I should . I never got to do that in any of my previous relationships because of the 4 years I was with my first love I was never into it and the 5 years I was with my second because he was very controlling. Well, me and my fiancé have not had sex in over a year and he tells me its bc of my drinking. I have gotten out of hand a few times but I honestly think that he is afraid to lose me even though I stopped going out with friends and I love on him all the time. He says I do not listen to him and that I need to lay off. I am missing our date nights and all of the romantic times. I just want my Fiance back sooo bad! I am not interested in any other men. I wish he knew that! I am so honest with him , I tell him everything!!!!! Please someone , give me some advice . I just turned 30 and I am a good looking confident woman. I just wish he felt the same , he says he does but I don't hear it much at all. If I haven't been clear enough please someone ask ???? and try to help me bc I a thinking about moving on even though I love him.
 

MoreSuccess

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Hi Chara. I think there are no easy answers here. About the only advice that comes to mind (if you haven't done this yet) is ask him to agree to have a real heart to heart talk about the relationship. Agree in advance that you will both just listen while the other is talking, no interruptions, no defending yourself, just accept how they feel. Then after both of you have been able to freely share how you feel, you each talk about what you can do yourself to improve things. Not the other person, what are you willing to do yourself. Then you see whether there is agreement or not on a path forward. If there is no path forward, then my opinion is move on, don't give more precious years of your life to something that has no future.
 

Chara

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Nov 1, 2015
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Goodlettsville, tn
Hi Chara. I think there are no easy answers here. About the only advice that comes to mind (if you haven't done this yet) is ask him to agree to have a real heart to heart talk about the relationship. Agree in advance that you will both just listen while the other is talking, no interruptions, no defending yourself, just accept how they feel. Then after both of you have been able to freely share how you feel, you each talk about what you can do yourself to improve things. Not the other person, what are you willing to do yourself. Then you see whether there is agreement or not on a path forward. If there is no path forward, then my opinion is move on, don't give more precious years of your life to something that has no future.
I know that this is a tough one here. I have tried the heart to heart for two years now. We cant come to any kind of agreement , no matter what. I have always been the one to open up first and I have been the one to address our problems. I have always been one to want to work things out rather than just give up. It seems that every single time that I try and have a heart to heart with him he tries to make some excuse or he will say , I told you to just lay off. I don't get it... I know he isn't cheating on me I honestly think he is insecure and feels like he isn't good enough anymore. I cant except that because I love this man and I want him to feel the love that I still feel for him. He is getting to the point to where I do not think he cares if I leave him or not. I am a busy bodied person and I work maybe, I have said some mean things to him that I cant take back too. I just know his heart and that he loves me he tells me and he tells me that he has grown distant from me because of the way things are with me. I am not perfect and I have started to say mean things when we argue like, well there are many guys out there that would love to be with someone like me. I say those things because I feel less of a woman than I use to and I was always the one that had anything I wanted... huhhhh idk what to do . I have asked him to join counseling with me but he laughed at it saying that he wouldn't gain anything from it.I cry every night wanting that attention that he once gave me. I am a sensitive person who desires that kind of love , I am very affectionate, I misss it sooo
 

MoreSuccess

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How about a vacation, get away together where you're together and away from normal routine? Perhaps he's buried a lot of pain and emotions deeply, put them into a box he fears to open again as the pain is so hard to handle. Most guys won't want to talk about how bad they feel, they may just allude to and hide their feelings. I've been there and there's a point of no-return or at least very unlikely. It's probably also more complicated than you can get into on a forum, most relationships are. Have you asked him if there is anything you can do to improve things? It would indicate whether from his point of view it's 1) hopeless, or 2) there is a path forward that he sees. Sorry I can't be of more help, I have my own relationship challenges too.
 

Chara

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Nov 1, 2015
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Goodlettsville, tn
I am still stuck in the same spot I feel I have been in forever. I wish it was as easy as it use to be, me just walking into room seeing him smiling and bragging about me. I feel the fire is gone & that there will never be another flame between us. But, I have not given up , I keep on trying. I am not being pushy I am taking his advice and "laying off" . He is the type that cannot stand anyone keeping tabs on him , even me calling him while he is out at the store I cant call him to see if he will pick up something for dinner. It is getting harder everyday to be treated as I am not even here. He doesn't talk about our future and we have been engaged for over 3 years. I have been feeling more like a roommate in this house we share. We sleep in the same bed but nothing is like it use to be. He use to be all over me , now literally nothing.. he tells me he loves me goodnight and when he leaves but he doesn't show any kind of physical attraction at all toward me. I am lost, I mean I just turned 30 and II feel guilty for even thinking about leaving him bc the friendship we have is great and he needs someone to help him bc of his disability. I am starting to think that is all I am good for. I still love him and want to have a good relationship like we once had.. it just is not getting better. It is getting worse everyday. HELP!
 

Chara

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I want to say thank you to msuccess !!! I kept what you said in mind about having heart to hearts and taking turns listening to one another's feelings without interrupting one another . I started to stop talking as much and let him come to me instead of pressuring to tell me how he feels and since then we have been talking without raising our voices and haven't argued like we once were. I have another great friend who has given me some of the similar advice as you have and it seems to be working. The only thing that hasn't changed is the intimacy. I however have been taking into consideration his disability has been getting worse and it makes it much harder for him to even do daily tasks as easily as he use to. I knew the time would come and that I would have to deal with the fact that it isn't me , it is his pain that makes it almost impossible for him to even think about having any intimacy with anyone. I will love him and stand by him no matter what although I do feel like I have put my needs aside for so long that I am losing a part of me , my confidence and I don't feel much like a woman anymore. I am trying to work with him and talk about ways we could work around this problem. When I right these posts , I feel like a bad person and how dare I even think about sex when the love of my life is in so much pain. I am so caught up in my emotions at times that I cant even think straight or get my emotions out the way I use to because the truth is, I feel like I have lost myself. I keep trying to be positive .. that is the only way that I know how to be. I am going to continue to work on myself in the meanwhile while working on this relationship that I want to save so badly.
 

mehdyy

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I am still stuck in the same spot I feel I have been in forever. I wish it was as easy as it use to be, me just walking into room seeing him smiling and bragging about me. I feel the fire is gone & that there will never be another flame between us. But, I have not given up , I keep on trying. I am not being pushy I am taking his advice and "laying off" . He is the type that cannot stand anyone keeping tabs on him , even me calling him while he is out at the store I cant call him to see if he will pick up something for dinner. It is getting harder everyday to be treated as I am not even here. He doesn't talk about our future and we have been engaged for over 3 years. I have been feeling more like a roommate in this house we share. We sleep in the same bed but nothing is like it use to be. He use to be all over me , now literally nothing.. he tells me he loves me goodnight and when he leaves but he doesn't show any kind of physical attraction at all toward me. I am lost, I mean I just turned 30 and II feel guilty for even thinking about leaving him bc the friendship we have is great and he needs someone to help him bc of his disability. I am starting to think that is all I am good for. I still love him and want to have a good relationship like we once had.. it just is not getting better. It is getting worse everyday. HELP!
I really feel your story Chara. i feel that your idea about him is attracting this situation to you. i know that is something you don't want to hear when you trying to make the best out of it for a really long time, i know that you feel it hard... that it is time to do something different to make a different outcome.

from my level of understanding i believe that in a relationship there is only 100% responsibility for each person

why you don't start making a list of the positive aspect of him
a list that you make every single day to become aware of the positive side of him
until its a habit to focus on the positive side until he feels attracted to you to act the way you wanted him to act
in other words fake it until you make it.

if you focus on positive characteristics of someone you know, he will deal with you positively... also with negative characteristics.

i know from my experience that it has work for others

i hope this will give you some Hope and inspiration to make a change and if you really want super motivation just search in YouTube for: Abraham hicks relationships
she is quite good in explain this and bringing clarity
 

William Martinez

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Mar 25, 2015
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Hi Chara, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Marriage is hard work and I empathize with you:) the good news is your not alone and alot of couples experience similar situations. I would recommend perhaps just you getting some help. A relationship e,pert can give you great suggestions on how to learn about your lover and cultivate communication and cooperation. Sometimes the partner who is not in counseling becomes engaged and they end up in the session as well. From what youve said, I feel there is great love here, and he has shut down for a reason. This is typically what men do when they feel (ie) they have been disrespected or there feelings have been hurt in some way.That reason is something he percieves to be valid, work to regain the trust that he feels has been compromised, and he will open his door and feel safe enough to let the love out again. More can be said on this. Good luck, and have faith, there is love here:)