How to fix what's broken

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Dustin Carabello, Jun 5, 2016. Replies: 14 | Views: 1070

  1. Dustin Carabello

    Dustin Carabello Advisor Member

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    So I've been with my fiance for 5 years and we're recently engaged. I feel like we go through these very LONG patches where we just don't click right. For example, I like to go on walks and to the gym and stay in shape, she just wants to sit. I like to try to eat healthy but when I'm on a diet, she orders pizza and eats it in front of me. Our intimate life dies. We don't have anything to talk about during these patches. I feel like I'm constantly trying to better myself in every aspect of life but I can never quite change my relationship bit. Any advice? I'm very curious as to what positive people have to say and what I can do to make this better.
     
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  2. Todd Hicks

    Todd Hicks Senior Member

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    If your wife sits all day and too long, she is drastically shortening her lifespan. Although she should exercise like you, you should not let her poor health habits end your relationship. Encourage but do not demand.
     
  3. Dustin Carabello

    Dustin Carabello Advisor Member

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    I agree. And I don't demand. But it's not just the sitting around. I feel like we're just distant. We don't click right now. I truly believe there's a way to fix it too. I'm trying to make sure I'm doing my best in the relationship but I'm no expert by any means.
     
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  4. Todd Hicks

    Todd Hicks Senior Member

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    As long as you're both trying to make the relationship work, everything should be fine.
     
  5. Cynthia

    Cynthia Senior Member

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    Your words speak so clearly here. I wonder if you've shared these details with this level of clarity and focus with her? The two of you are the experts in your relationship!
     
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  6. Dustin Carabello

    Dustin Carabello Advisor Member

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    I've tried. She tends to shut down when I try to talk to her about things I want to fix. I have to be incredibly tactful or it's as if I'm screaming profanity (which I promise I'm not) and being an awful person. I've been really looking into Tony Robbins' videos and programs on a successful love life.
     
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  7. Cynthia

    Cynthia Senior Member

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    Oh. That seems like a difficult pattern. I wonder if that's from things that have happened to her in the past. It might not be about you!
     
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  8. Nambie

    Nambie Member

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    Hi,
    I think she already knows that you took the right path in your life and she didn't. I think if she doesn't want you to point the problem out it's mainly because she knows what is right to do for herself and by extention for both of you, but she simply can't do it. It's very difficult for each of us to take control on our lives and create new and good habits. I think you should avoid talking to her about it and focus yourself on what is good about her. Give her love and attentions however it can be hard sometimes. The more you give the more your relationship gets better. From my personnal experience, my husband had been really patient with me when I was in the deepest level in every aspect of my life and that helped me a lot. He didn't say anyhting even if it was difficult for him too. I didn't learn from his words how to improve myself and I didn't want to hear anything about it as it was too painful for me to know that I wasn't good enough. But I learned from life, from what I saw and his behaviour was the best healing for me. He knew that I needed time to grow up and make my mistakes to recover. Today I am grateful for all he has done and I'm trying to be a better person, he is now going through a tough time and I try to do the same, instead of telling him what to do, I choose to show him and invite him to join me in my activities. He's still not ready but all I can do is to give him love and attentions to make him feel that no matter what, his life is important. You have the chance to be in favorable position as you work on yourself so be confident, you have the strentgh to give her love and that will change EVERYTHING!
    Peace be upon your you
     
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  9. Cynthia

    Cynthia Senior Member

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    Thanks for sharing your experience. Love does change everything. It was your husband's love and his witness that helped you heal. That's what you needed.
     
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  10. Dustin Carabello

    Dustin Carabello Advisor Member

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    Wow, that really was an incredible use of your own experience to help me. I guess I never really looked at it that way. I need to change my actions a bit then. I think you're onto something. Thank you for that!
     
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  11. Ally Mckean

    Ally Mckean Coaching Member

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    Hi Dustin

    I have the same deal with my hubby but it's more the other way around.

    Over the years and particularly since studying my personal development, (the past year), I've realised I'm in charge of me and I can't control him or what he does nor do I have to worry about what he does or does not do, my only concern is how I show up, how I respond.

    It's taken me a long time to come to these terms; I spent the first 7 years of our relationship thinking he was going to change and thinking I might change him.

    I went and saw Dr. John Demartini last week for the first time, I'd only seen him watching The Secret. You may know this already, he teaches (my version), that there's no good without the bad and we must love both about ourselves and our past - no regrets, only love. Once we love and accept everything about ourselves it's possible to love another for their good and for their bad. He also talks about gratitiude, I'm sure you've heard this one; what we think about and thank about we bring about.

    So I've applied certain things to my life. I'm grateful every day for just about every thing in my life to the point where I love my life even though I am focussed on changing my life. So this makes my every day a happy, focussed place and everyone benefits from positive me.

    My hubby does not do personal development...I know what he values (from me), and it's not the same as what I value from him but when his value is satisfied he's happy, we're connected, we chat, we look at each other, we laugh, you get the picture right? It's all good.

    When his value is satisfied my value gets satisfied. I accept that it does not work the other way around so I make sure his value (from me), stays satisfied. That's something I can control and create.

    That's my experience, Dustin, I hope you find balance. I'm hearing from your post that it's very important to you, it sure is for me too, having a deep connection with my hubby and children is one of my highest values.

    Ally :)
     
  12. Lindsay777

    Lindsay777 New Member

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    I had almost the same problem with my bf. He liked sport a lot and healthy way of life and I liked it too, but he didn't encourage me on trainings and healthy diets. So, on some point I gave everything up and didn't want to so anything connected with sport. Somehow he showed me that training can be fun and he changed his attitude to my progress, so that I started to fell strengh inside of me. So, try to show her that your trainings with her can be fun. Show her that you need her help and that you captivate her.
     
  13. Ongoinggrowing

    Ongoinggrowing Member

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    Hello everyone :)

    I'm new here and a bit late to the party but I hope my learning and experiences can help.

    When our partners have a chance of behavior, like stop caring about how they look or their health, why not asking? Without blame or judgment, just genuinely try to understand. Did they gave up on themselves? Did the way they did it before wasn't working for them? Did they have limited believes or their inner voice have been hard with them? There are many reasons and assuming a "they don't care" is very dangerous!

    We need to communicate our needs and feeling to our partners. Honesty and sharing are both keys. We can't have unsaid expectations, it is truly unfair to our partners. We need to give them a chance, be honest and say the things that bother us.
    This need to be done in a way that is respectful to our partners, we can't blame, we can't attack or judge. We need to ask if it is okay to share and then tell them OUR needs. "I want to live healthy, for that I need exercise and nice food. Would you support me?" or anything you feel like to say. If you are open, fragile and showing your true self, you will reach out to your partner.
    In Dustin's situation, the partner saw herself getting fatter and she knows she is lazy, she is probably giving herself a very hard time for that and may never had said it to Dustin. But chances are very high she is doing that often.

    We need to give up on manipulating or wanting to control. Our partners will do that if they want to. If they don't, they will possibly do it to please us and drop again and it will be a lot harder to have them doing it again unwillingly (and this is damaging to our relationships anyway!). We need to accept them for who they are, they aren't perfect, we aren't either. Listening to them, caring for their well-being is what they need and they will make their own decisions.

    Lastly and I saw it here a few time already, we need to hold space for them. Leave them the time they need, leave them the space they need. Hug them quietly if they wish, listening if they need, find solutions if it is helping.

    I wish you the best guys!
     
  14. ppp21

    ppp21 Member

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    I don't see anything broken here, it comes down to the choices you make. If this person is the perfect match for you then there would not be any issues with the choices she makes. If you're trying to eat healthy and your partner isn't, isnt that a new thing, is that something you both agree on? When you first dated her wasn't she the same person as she is now? You made a choice to start being healthy is that her choice or is it yours? You have to communicate better if you guys as a couple are making the same decisions together.


    http://bit.ly/2gAjkSy
     
  15. RodaTL

    RodaTL Advisor Member

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    Love can change many things, but you cannot change a person unless they are the ones willing to change. Are the differences impacting your life negatively? You are mentioning distancing and her shutting down and not willing to communicate. This can be a problem. Nothing is more important than mutual communication. And some of the advices above are excellent granting that your partner is willing to communicate her needs sincerely. Communication is a two way stream. You cannot be the only one trying to communicate a concern while the other person just prefers to not discuss inconveniences. In a long-term relationship., there will be many issues to discuss in the future. Health, finances, housing, children, education, upbringing, careers, money, you get my point. If you aren't able to talk through exercising and eating habits now, what will happen later when real life issues come your way?
     

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