Self-Pity
Do you rise and shine
or rise and whine?
Are you, or
do you know, someone who starts the day by rising and whining
instead of rising and shining? You know the type; they
love to swish around in self-pity. They believe the world is unfair
and the only thing preventing them from enjoying it are their particular ‘problems.’
What makes
feeling sorrow for oneself so insidious is that it is a sign
of both unhappiness and the fact that the misery will
continue. How does one become trapped in a morass of self-pity?
It begins with self-doubt. When we fail to believe in ourselves,
we fail to reach our potential. And by not reaching the success
we deserve, we experience the psychological pain of regret, shame,
and guilt. Now, what would you do if you accidentally touched a
hot stove? Wouldn’t you pull your hand away? We automatically
flee from or avoid pain. The same is true with psychological pain.
It may be too
painful to admit I am not as successful or happy as I would like
to be because I have either done the wrong things
or haven’t done the right things. So, rather than feel that
pain, I cover it up by denying responsibility and assigning blame
for my misery to the outside world. In other words, we don’t
practice self-pity to feel good, but to avoid feeling pain. So,
you see, though feeling sorry for others is an expression of compassion;
feeling sorry for ourselves is a cover-up, a form of self-deception.
So, how do we crawl out of the mire of self-pity and get on with
the rest of our lives? Before sharing some ideas, let me first
say that the purpose of the following suggestions is to help you,
if any of it applies; it is not to be used to judge others. The
reason for this is that we can never know what is going on in the
minds of others. What you see as self-pity in others could in fact
be legitimate feelings due to grief, clinical depression, or a
major illness. One more point, all attributes, whether negative
or positive, are shared in common. As a human, I am bound to experience
self-pity at one time or another, and the amount that I experience
will be greater or lesser than others. Because of the commonality
that binds us, we probably could all benefit by the following suggestions.
1. Rather than
run from the pain that’s troubling you, face
it and use it as a catalyst for change. Use your misery as motivation
for self-improvement. Find out what you are doing wrong and correct
your behaviour. Become angry at your own self-defeating actions
and do something about it. Yes, it’s as simple as that. Although
it’s simple, change does involve more pain (no pain, no gain)
because of the effort you have to make. But this type of pain is
to be welcomed, for it will dissolve your misery and restore your
happiness.
2. Don’t add to your suffering by comparing yourself to
others. Life is not a competition; it is a garden. Every flower
(person) is different but beautiful in it’s own way.
3. Stop being
demanding. Stop believing the world was created to serve you.
The truth is, you were created to serve it. It doesn't
center around you. You're just a small (but important) part of
the whole. Focus on what you can give back to life instead of what
you can take from it. Make your contribution and enjoy the ride.
Some whiners complain, "What's the purpose of it all? What's
in it for me?" They find no meaning because they are self-centered
and can't understand why the world doesn't cater to their every
need. When they stop thinking of themselves they will discover
meaning, for there is a whole world out there that needs their
help in spreading joy.
4. Admit that many people are worse off than you; yet, they are
doing better. So, follow their example and join their ranks.
5. Stop claiming the world is unfair. The only thing unfair is
your distorted belief that the successes of others are due to their
'lucky breaks' and good fortune rather than their constructive
action. Once you stop whining and start taking action, you will
be able to join them in success.
6. True, some situations are more difficult than others, but beware
of giving in to hopelessness and seeking comfort in chronic self-pity.
For example, a woman married to an alcoholic that beats her five
children will find it difficult to survive on her own. But for
the safety of her children, she needs to let go of her fear, calmly
study her options, make plans, and follow the best path available
at the time, slowly working her way upward.
7. Realize
that there are no failures on the road to success; there are
merely a series of successive steps that must be taken
and detours that must be maneuvered. 'Failure' is a term that negative
thinkers attach to those steps and detours. Just as a stranger
is a friend you have yet to make, ‘failure’ is a success
you have yet to reach, so just keep plodding onward.
8. Understand that misery doesn't exist in the world, but in our
mind. It is not our present conditions, but our reactions to those
conditions that are the source of our pain. The fault lies in us.
Self-pity is self-defeating; no good can come out of it, so accept
responsibility and change yourself.
9. Change your focus from what you cannot do to what you can do,
from what you lack to what you have, from the way things are to
the way you will make them become, from the person you are to the
person you plan to be, from the problems facing you to their possible
solutions, and from the difficulties you're mired in to the opportunities
they offer. Since we become what we think about, it is essential
that we focus on the right things.
10. Use the power of your imagination to help, not hinder you.
Don't accept your imagination's exaggeration of the magnitude of
your problems, for if you do, you become its slave, paralyzed by
fear and self-doubt. Instead, use your imagination to vizualize
how wonderful things will be when you begin taking constructive
action. By doing so, your imagination will become your coach, motivating
you to act.
11. Change
paths. Leave the Path of Self-Pity for the Path of Positive Action.
Do this by asking yourself, "WHAT DO I WANT
FROM LIFE? Do I want to be happier?” If so, you need to ask
the next question, which is, "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT
IT?"
12. Finally, understand the power of choice. Choice is a door.
When we open one, we slam shut another. When we open the door of
Self-Pity, we slam shut the doors of Positive Action, Success,
and Happiness.
Self-pity is never a helpless cause because it can always serve
as a terrible example. The choice is ours, we can serve as an inspiration
to others by illustrating what is possible, or we can serve as
an example of what NOT to do. Which will it be? Which door will
we open?
© Chuck Gallozzi
For more articles and contact information,
Visit http://www.personal-development.com/chuck
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