Fear of Other's Death
What's the point of it all?
A bright, 21-year-old university student asked me to
comment on a few points.
1. "Although you have written extensively about fear
of one's OWN death, I couldn't find anything about the ever-looming
fear of others' death. You see, I read in a web forum a statement that
shocked me. It said: 'The most painful part of the death of loved ones
is to know I will never have a conversation with them again, share a
beer with them, do ANYTHING with them ever again.'
"I am perfectly fine with death myself. But, I love
my father very, very much. And I cannot imagine how it would be like
for him to be gone, forever, one day. To know he has ceased to exist;
that I will never talk with him again. It feels like having a short
circuit inside the brain; life seems so vain and entrapping. Whatever
I do seems pointless as one day, he will cease to exist and only a
memory of him will remain. And the more joyful the memory, the greater
the pain. It makes me want to scream, cry, and run away."
Yes, the fear of our own death and the fear of the
death of our parents are quite different. The fear of our parent's
death has its origin in childhood. At a very early age we realize that
we are completely dependent on our parents. That is, as infants, we
cannot survive without them. So, whenever our parents are angry, we
are afraid we may be abandoned by them. We are also fearful of losing
them. After all, how could we survive, cope, or get along without
them?
This childhood fear remains with us. Even as adults,
we may be badly shaken by the death of our parents, especially after
realizing that we can no longer turn to them for advice, support, and
encouragement. We may feel alone in the world, which can be quite a
scary prospect. However, there are steps we can take to prepare for
that day, and we can begin by changing the way we view life. Here are
some points to think about.
a) You may lose your father, but you will never lose
your memories of him. You will find that the advice and tender moments
he shared with you will serve as a source of strength for you in the
future.
b) What is it that belongs to you? The moon and
stars are here for you to enjoy, but you don't own them; they don't
belong to you. Nothing that life offers you belongs to you. Be
grateful while you can and enjoy it, but be willing to return it. This
was recognized by Epictetus nearly 2,000 years ago, for he taught,
"Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned
it. Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a
return. Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?"
c) Death is our greatest loss, but "Loss is nothing
else but change, and change is Nature's delight" (Marcus Aurelius, 121
~ 180). Death or change can be beautiful. For example, the death of
fear, despair, and doubt opens the door to a triumphant life. Are you
fearful and in pain? Good! Because they are inviting you to become a
hero, a master of your fate. Isn't that what you want?
2. Our reader continues, "But the issue I talked
about connects to the emptiness and meaningless view I have toward
life."
We have now arrived at the heart of what is
troubling our reader.
First he read something on the Internet that
triggered the fear of his father's death. Next, thoughts of his
father's death remind him of his mortality; he too will die. This
thought then induces the fear of dying without a purpose, which is
revealed by his statement that he has an "emptiness and meaningless
view toward life."
What's troubling our reader also disturbs many other
young, bright people. You see, whatever has a purpose, has value. But
that which has no purpose is worthless. Young men and women who don't
yet have a sense of purpose fear that they may be worthless. So, when
they contemplate death, it isn't death that frightens them, but the
possibility of dying without making a difference.
Everyone wants to have value, so imagine the pain of
those who believe they don't have any. But it is not that they lack
value, but that at their young age they lack understanding. Here are a
few simple points they fail to comprehend.
a) Much of humanity is suspicious, discouraged, and
unhappy.
They are in desperate need of encouragement. Imagine
if our reader offered a smile and kind word to everyone he met. Those
simple acts would transform him from a lost soul to a person of
immense value.
b) People often confuse their role with their
purpose. Some young people will say, "I don't know if I want to become
a doctor, lawyer, cook, airplane pilot, sales clerk, or teacher. I
don't have any direction. I lack purpose." But the job we take is
merely the ROLE we play. Roles are WHAT we do. PURPOSE is HOW we do
it. We immerse purpose into our role. To become a teacher is to take
on a role. But to become a compassionate, gentle, understanding and
inspiring teacher is to live with purpose and make a great
contribution to the world.
c) Most young people place undue importance on their
choice of occupation. They are afraid of making the wrong career
choices. They feel uncomfortable if they don't know exactly what type
of job they want. Again, this is due to confusing role with purpose,
The truth is, it doesn't matter what job you take, for when you are
purpose driven, you can be happy and successful doing anything. Take
the example of the school teacher in the above paragraph. Suppose
after deciding she wanted to become a teacher she found there weren't
any jobs available. So let's say she decided to become a healthcare
worker instead. That is, instead of a compassionate, gentle,
understanding and inspiring teacher, she would become a compassionate,
gentle, understanding and inspiring healthcare worker. She would
become equally successful, equally happy, equally fulfilled. Can you
see how our core values or purpose remain constant and can be
transferred to any role we play?
d) Thoughts of death also often lead to another type
of confusion. Some will ask, "What's the point of it all? What's the
point of life if we're all going to die?" The argument goes something
like this, "I can study and work very hard or I can lie down in the
sun all day. What difference does it make since it all ends in death?"
The reason for the confusion is they are asking about LIFE but are
focusing on DEATH. If they were to focus on life, the answers become
clear. If I work hard, I will experience the joy of accomplishment,
contribution, and self- expression. In a word, I will feel fulfilled.
Lying in the sun all day may physically feel pleasant, but unless I am
contributing to life, I will soon feel that I am wasting it, have no
value, and be unhappy. We didn't choose life. It chose us.
We're here. We're alive. And we have a choice. We
can embrace life, contribute to it and enjoy it or we can bemoan the
fact that we're going to die. Which makes more sense to you, to live
with exuberance or despair? To focus on life or death?
What's the point of it all? A great deal. Asking
about the point of it all is like asking about the point of a rose.
Sure it serves a function (pollen), but for man its role is to awaken
us to the beauty and majesty of life; it is here to be experienced;
it's purpose is to help us discover our own grandeur, for flowers,
humans, and the rest of creation are all part of the inexpressible
expressing itself. The point of it all is to participate in it and
help it unfold, which is precisely what it does for us; in other
words, life is our dancing partner. The point of it all, then, is to
experience the excitement of discovery, joy of achievement, and wonder
of mystery.
3. Our reader concludes by writing, "While I am sure
it would be soothing to imagine the dead looking at us up from the
skies, it does not satisfy those of us with a more objective and
logical, or in essence scientific, mentality. Hence, these kinds of
thoughts are more difficult to work through as there is no afterlife
to look into."
Our 21-year-old reader says ".there is no
afterlife." Yet, millions of others say there is. Of course, saying
there is doesn't make it so. But neither does saying there isn't make
that so. One of the mistakes of youth is believing they know it all.
But it is more than a matter of inexperience. You
see, most of us are uncomfortable with uncertainty. We don't like to
believe you may be right and I may be wrong. We don't like to stand on
unstable ground. We like to have something firm to grasp. So, when it
comes to an afterlife, most join one of two camps: believers or nonbelievers. They may not have the
truth, but at least they have something to believe in, something to
cling on to.
Yet, there is a third camp. Those who embrace
uncertainty rather than run from it. They would rather live
courageously than comfortably. Those who seek shelter in beliefs that
provide all the answers never experience the profound awe of mystery,
or the unknown. It takes courage to admit one doesn't know and courage
to live without knowing. But those who choose this path are
adventurers who know the taste of exhilaration and joy, for they
willingly accept what is, whatever it may be.
The doubts and confusion of our reader and others
like him are very good. They are calls for further exploration, study,
and consideration; they're opportunities for growth. Why did our
reader experience fear? It is the call of life, nudging him, pushing
him to take the next step. It's a wakeup call. It is life's way of
saying, "Share with those you love NOW. Start creating a meaningful
life NOW. Start enjoying the wondrous magic of life NOW. Start
contributing to the world NOW. Start learning acceptance NOW.
And now a personal word to our reader. Look at the
world around you. It has great need of your talent, intelligence, and
capacity to help. Will you heed its call? I'm sure you will and am
confident that you will excel and make a valuable contribution. I am
also sure you will make your father proud.
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