Perfectionism
- What it is and how to fix it,
by Tony Schirtzinger
BRAGGING
OR COMPLAINING
Have
you noticed that someone who says they have a problem with perfectionism
usually says it with a sheepish smile on their face?
Have
you also noticed that their smile is a strangely complicated
one which includes both pride and shame?
The
pride comes from believing that they are doing what they are supposed
to do. (Wrong!)
The
shame comes from thinking of themselves as failures. (Wrong again!)
HOW
DID I GET THIS WAY?
Perfectionism
comes from childhood.
It
comes from trying to please a parent who was psychologically unable to
be pleased.
It
starts to change when we realize that this was their problem,
not ours.
FEELING
RELIEF
There
is this wonderful thing we can feel called relief.
It
comes to us as soon as we feel "finished" or we know
something is "good enough".
(The
best example I can give of relief is that wonderful feeling of
completeness we all feel when we've just finished urinating.
That's relief!)
RELIEF
CONQUERS PERFECTIONISM!
Perfectionists
rush right past their own feeling of relief!
They
do this because they believe that their own relief doesn't
matter, and that they should instead concentrate on whether someone
else is happy with what they've done.
Become
excellent at identifying this feeling of relief.
Notice
that it comes long before any belief in perfection.
When
relief comes, stop whatever you are doing and realize that you
are finished.
Always
take lots of time to enjoy it.
PERFECTION
VS. ACCEPTANCE
Perfectionism
is caused by adults who teach children that what they do is
more important than who they are.
It
doesn't help to blame the adults, but it does help to remember where
you got the information that caused your problem.
All
you wanted as a child was acceptance, not perfection!
And you
can find lots of acceptance in adult life, but you will never
find perfection.
PURSUING
THE IMPOSSIBLE
The
problem with perfectionism is all the time and energy it takes.
While you are trying to be perfect at work your personal life
suffers, and vice versa.
And, since
perfection is always impossible, the fact that other people
are happy with you doesn't really matter because YOU are
never satisfied!
ACCEPTING
THE POSSIBLE
The
solution to perfectionism is to relax.
While
accepting that you will never be perfect (and stopping when you
feel relief), all aspects of your life, work and home,
can be "good enough."
And,
since acceptance is possible, the fact that other people
are happy with you does matter and you can experience satisfaction!
AM
I DOING WELL ENOUGH?
People
who are getting over perfectionism always face a dilemma: How
can they measure how well they are doing?
I
suggest that they weigh the "past voices" (memories
from childhood) against the "current voices" (bosses,
customers, spouses, children) and realize that only the current
voices are based in reality.
After
a rather long while, the past voices just fade away.
If
the current people in your life are not pleased with your work,
maybe your work really isn't good enough and you need to make
some changes.
But
maybe not.....
It
might also be that your boss or your spouse have the same problem
your parent had - that they are unable to be pleased.
(Since we tend to pick partners who are like our parents, this
happens often.) If so, you'll want to pay far greater attention
to the people in your life who CAN be pleased.
SUMMARY
Perfectionism
is a real problem, not something to be proud of.
It
comes from parents who could not be pleased.
You
can overcome it by acknowledging relief, by taking the time
to relax, by giving up on being perfect, and by ABSORBING the
acceptance you always wanted.
If
you doubt your competence after you stop trying to be perfect, believe
the people you know who CAN be pleased.
If
you don't know any people like this, you need a whole lot of
new friends!
ENJOY
YOUR CHANGES!
Tony
Schirtzinger is a Therapist in Milwaukee, WI that offers confidential
and
practical advice, online. Visit HelpYourselfTherapy.Com for
more free articles.
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